When I originally thought about how I wanted to write this post, I hoped and prayed that I wouldn’t have to write it with this outcome. But here we are. So I’ll start with what I originally planned to share.
It’s hard to believe that we’ve now been out of our old house for almost a month and a half. The days and weeks leading up to the move were stressful, and they were sad, but they were also promising thanks to new beginnings on the horizon. And then the day came, and it was time for us to finally say goodbye to the place we called home for the last 6 years. I was sad and I was nervous, but I knew it was for the best and exciting things were to come.
Little did I know, however, what kinds of exciting things were to come. And just how soon. Because that very morning we were getting ready to say goodbye to our home, I also discovered that I was pregnant.
I remember staring down at the test in disbelief, about a million different thoughts running through my head. I can’t say it was a total shock, because Jay and I had committed to “giving it a go” that very month, but it was also the first month we’d decided to start trying. And given the difficulty we went through with Lucas, never in a million years would I have thought it would happen the first month we tried.
********
I shared the news with Jay as we were standing in our kitchen and I think I totally caught him off guard. His reaction was priceless, and the two of us just stood there, nervously laughing and thinking oh my gosh, this can’t be real?! But there we were, it was real, and we thought wow…what a great, lasting memory to take with us from our first home.
Shortly after I tested positive, I scheduled a visit with my doctor to get blood work done. They wanted to check my hormone levels to make sure they were rising (they should double every 48 hours). On June 2nd, I had my first round, and I followed up again on June 4th with the second. By the 5th, I received word back that my levels were “rising nicely,” having doubled, and that I should proceed with scheduling my first prenatal appointment.
At this time, my emotions were all over the place and more than anything, I was nervous. And I hated that that was my first emotion, but it was. I was nervous about the timing (early pregnancy + living with friends = maybe not the most ideal situation?), I was nervous about having two kids (which is always going to be there), I was just nervous about so many major changes happening at once, and I was nervous about things I just couldn’t seem to put my finger on. I felt some pretty intense anxiety for a good week or so, until I started to relax a bit. We were fairly settled with friends by this point, and I finally had some time to really process it all. We were having a BABY!! And slowly but surely, my nerves and fear slowly started to transition to excitement and joy.
********
I had my first prenatal appointment towards the middle of June, and all went well. I told the doctor about some spotting that I had experienced the week prior, and she said that anytime someone experiences any spotting or heavy cramping, they like to schedule an early ultrasound. She said she really didn’t think anything of it (spotting can be fairly normal), especially since it didn’t last long. But she said she likes for patients to be reassured and not have to wait until the standard 12 week ultrasound. So although I was still feeling a little unsettled, I left on my merry way, about 7 weeks along.
As the days carried on, I couldn’t shake this nagging feeling; I felt so “normal.” I really didn’t feel pregnant. I could still drink my (mostly decaf) coffee without any aversion, and despite a few waves of nausea here and there, I felt fine. I reminded myself that I really didn’t have too much nausea with Lucas (only a few nauseous mornings and evenings in the first trimester), so I figured hey, maybe I’m just a lucky one! But something still just seemed…weird.
********
The day after we returned from vacation (Wednesday, July 1st) Jay and I had our ultrasound appointment. We went in, met with the x-ray tech, and told her how spot ON she was about her prediction on Lucas being “an active little guy.” She began with the normal ultrasound, but said that things were still a bit too small so she needed to do an internal one (meh…not all that fun, but I’d had them before, no biggie). She began to do the internal ultrasound, looking around, making her notes, and everything else. I saw the sac and I saw what looked like a little peanut. My little peanut. Then before I knew it, she said we were all set and that we’d be meeting in a different room with the doctor.
I thought it was kind of weird that she hadn’t really stopped to show us anything specific, and she never showed us the heartbeat. But I thought, okay, maybe it’s just because it’s so early on. So we went and waited in the other room (for about 35 minutes), attempting to make small talk about random shapes we could find in the wood grains on the door.
********
Finally, the doctor came in to join us. And then she delivered the news that I had prayed she wouldn’t, yet somehow had a feeling was coming. She told me that I was measuring much smaller than what should have been almost 9 weeks along at that point. And then she said that they couldn’t find a heartbeat.
She continued to go on and explain that something must have happened to cause the baby to stop developing. Then she went on to say that, although I’ve had two miscarriages (I had one right before Lucas – known as a “chemical pregnancy,” but I never shared it), she wasn’t too concerned about my ability to have another child because I had a successful pregnancy with Lucas.
From there, she proceeded to tell me what my options were for my current situation. I could wait it out, and let the miscarriage complete itself naturally; I could take something to induce the passing, so I could plan on being home for it; or I could schedule a D&C to have it removed as soon as possible. This is when things finally started to sink in and my first reaction was that I just wanted it out…the thought of having something inside of me that was no longer living tore me apart. And I just wanted it over with.
********
I asked the doctor if she was totally sure, and she said she was fairly certain but that we could always do some blood work to see where my levels were at to confirm. I got the blood work done that day and found out on Thursday that her assumptions were correct: I lost the baby.
So today, I have my D&C scheduled.
I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m nervous…I’m a lot of things.
And I debated on whether or not I wanted to share this here, because it is a deeply personal thing. But I also feel like I couldn’t keep blogging regularly without acknowledging it. So I share this with you today, not only because I like to share the bad with the good, but also because writing this all out has been more therapeutic than I could have realized.
I’ve had just over a week to process all of this now, and although I have good days and bad, I’m finally starting to get to a place where I’m okay. It’s amazing just how devastating it can feel to lose something you never had the chance to meet. But I’m trying to remind myself that this was His way of telling us that it just wasn’t the right time. And maybe He’s right.
I know it will still take some time to heal from it all, but we’re doing okay. Plus, I’ve got my sweet little Lucas to keep reminding me just how precious life is, and how lucky I am to have him.
Danielle says
I am so sorry to read this. Nobody deserves to go through this…especially someone so kind. Praying for you and your family!
Christen says
I am so sorry for your loss. I’m thinking of you today.
Marielle says
I’m so sorry you are going through this and thank you for sharing such a personal story. I haven’t explained in detail on my blog yet but we lost our baby boy twin at 34 weeks in March. We have a healthy baby girl, thankfully, but like your title says we lost someone we didn’t get to meet and it just sucks. Hugs to you!!
Judy carhart says
So sorry,I know exactly what your going threw, it happened to me also,after Mikayla was born.I alway say everything happens for a reason.
Jasmine @ A cupcake for my thoughts says
I’m so incredibly sorry you and Jay are having to go through this! I can’t imagine how hard it must be but I always try to think that everything happens for a reason, even when it seems like there can’t possibly be reason for something so terrible to happen! Sending you a virtual hug :)
Laura says
I’m so so sorry. I’ve already prayed for you and your family and will continue to do so. It is so brave to share.
Jenn@Mark My Miles! says
THANK YOU for sharing this. You are amazing and such a loving mommy. My thoughts and prayers are with you today!
Brynn says
mu thoughts and prayers are with you. I have experienced two miscarriages as well and the emotions are difficult to capture. Have faith, lean on loved ones and squeeze that sweet Luvas tight.
Erin Duffy says
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. I will be praying for you today.
Linz @ Itz Linz says
Courtney I am so so sorry you are going through this. Sending you love, support, and prayers during this difficult time. xoxo
Heather @Fit n Cookies says
Oh Courtney, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Sending lots of prayers to you during this difficult day. I remember being so scared for the first countless weeks about losing ours. I’m hopeful you will have an easy time getting pregnant in the future again. <3
Mindy says
I’m so sorry to hear this Courtney. I went through the ex act same thing 3 months ago. Losing our little on who would have been due in November. Thinking of you as you go through this tough time. Snuggles with my 2 year old helped me everyday. Take care
Claire @ Flake and Cake says
Courtney I am so, so sorry to read this. You are in my thoughts today and in the coming weeks and months. My prayers are with you today. Very best wishes to you and your lovely family on this terribly sad time.
Summer says
I just wanted to say how sorry I am. Sending you a virtual hug. Thank you for sharing with us – I’m over in Singapore so you have reached us all over the world. My thoughts are with you.
cait @pieceofcait says
So sorry to hear about this :( you have so much love and support around you < 3 I am thinking of you today! xo
Stacie @ SimplySouthernStacie says
I am so sorry you and Jay have to go through this, Courtney. Sending prayers and love your way today!
Teresa says
I’m so very sorry for your loss and the pain you are in. I’m keeping you in my prayers and appreciate you sharing your story. I’ve had many losses but also have two blessing. Treat yourself to dunkin donuts iced coffee and munchkins.
Amy says
So very sorry for your loss.
amelia@i_heart_kale says
Oh Courtney, I’m so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. I’ve dealt with so many pregnancy fails and miscarriage of twins at 8 weeks.it’s gut wretching, heart breaking and absolutely nothing or no one can make you feel better. It doesn’t even matter that I’m typing this comment, this I know. All I can say is that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. And I do believe everything works out the way it’s supposed to, even if we don’t like it at the time. So many hard experiences and lessons. I believe this because I now have a sweet 7 month old, smiling, healthy, baby girl.
Love to you.
Libby says
I’m so deeply sorry. My prayers are with you and your family.
Katelyn R Runyan-Gless says
sending lots of love your way!
Melissa says
Praying for you, Courtney.
Courtney says
Courtney, I am so sorry to hear this. Thank you for sharing and for being so honest, so many women experience this and feel so alone. No one should have to go through this. I’m thankful for you that you have Jay by your side! I wish you guys the best and will be thinking of you today.
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
Sending all my love and thoughts my friend. XOXOXO
Erica D House says
I’m so sorry to hear this :( I had the exact same thing happen Oct of last year. I went in thinking I was 9 weeks along with my first, but baby was measuring 6w1d without a heartbeat. I had a D&C a week later. I wrote up a rather lengthy blog about how the D&C went and how I felt after. http://www.ericadhouse.com/my-missed-miscarriage-and-dc/
If you need anyone to vent to I’m here!
Bri says
Hugs, girl. The emotions you’re feeling are all too real to me. Sending nothing but good positive vibes your way. Squeeze that beautiful boy you’re so blessed to call your own.
Lindsay Wright says
I’m just SO sorry, Court! I’ve been there…twice…and it sucks real bad. Praying for you and Jay!
Ashley Renee says
I really appreciate how open and honest you are on your blog. I haven’t had a similar experience at all, so I can’t really relate to how you’re feeling, but you’ll definitely be in my thoughts. xoxo
Ash Z @ Ash's Right Direction says
Awww Courtney I am so sorry. That is very tough. I was scared for the first 13 weeks. I did not share with anyone but a few people until my 13 weeks appointment because Mason’s daycare teacher discovered no heartbeat at her 12 week appt. They say everything happens for a reason. Lately I have been repeating that to myself and hopefully that is the case.
georgianna hulsopple says
I’m so sorry to hear this.this is from a woman who’s been there,very sad.
Hug that baby boy and enjoy every minute of him.our babies are such a precious gift.
Torry @ A World Without Wheat says
I am so sorry for your loss Courtney but thank so you much for sharing. I had a feeling in your post the other day when you said you guys were “dealing with some other things” it wasn’t good. Your post brought me to tears, I will be thinking about you and Jay today <3
"at the end of every hard earned day people find some reason to believe" – Springsteen
Kimberly says
I am so sorry about your loss. You will be in my prayers.
Gracie says
Hi Courtney. I rarely ever leave comments on blogs, but this post was one of the most heartfelt and real posts I’ve read in a long time! I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope that time will heal your pain, and I continue to wish you the best in all you pursue.
Ashley says
I’m so very sorry for your loss – sending warm thoughts and well wishes your way.
Marieve says
Thinking of you Courtney, stay strong and focus on your little Lucas. We are currently trying as well, on round 2 of Clomid and haven’t ovulated yet…its frustrating, yet I’m healthy and we need to give it some itme. Get some rest xo
Trisha says
Big, fat, virtual hugs to you! Just skimming over the comments to get here, I can see that you’re being offered comfort and support by so many of us that have been in your shoes. Seems to me this happened right when it needed to; when you have not only Jay & Lucas around for extra love, but also mom & dad. No matter how old I get, going through a tough time is always a bit easier with mom & dad by my side.Wishing you comfort & peace in the days ahead.
Catherine Cormier says
Courtney – thank you so much for sharing this with us. I just had a miscarriage 2 1/2 weeks ago and reading today’s blog post perfectly explained everything that I went through and am continuing to go through. The past few weeks have been a rush of emotions – excitement over the positive pregnancy test, anxiousness, then grief over a miscarriage.
When I was going through it I had a few people that I leaned on and my husband was my rock. Unless you’ve been through it before, it’s hard to realize just how disappointing it is and how you can grieve so much over something that was only in your life for a few weeks and that you’ve never met. But, it doesn’t lessen the pain you feel over it. Just know that everyone handles it differently and in a few weeks you’ll start feeling more like yourself.
Going through something like this has made me realize just how strong my relationship with my husband is and that with him by my side I can get through anything. It has also made me realize just how much we want to be parents and our doctor said the same thing about it not being any indication of our future chances of having a viable pregnancy.
I’ve pretty much healed physically and am well on my way to healing emotionally. Just know that we’re all thinking of you and if you need someone to talk to that has been through this before you know where to find me.
Take care!
Rachel Schlosser says
I am very sorry for your loss, thinking of you and your family, and sending great big hugs your way.
Jennifer says
Courtney,I am so sorry for your and Jays loss. Our thoughts are with you on this difficult day. I often wonder why for some it’s such a difficult road to have children but no matter how difficult the end result is amazing. You and your family are so strong and I know in the future you will experience the same joy you had when Lucas came into this world. Love to you and your family.
Suzanne @ Life is a Mix says
I knew from the title of this post it wasn’t going to be good news. I’m so sorry for you and Jay and the loss of your baby. Thinking of you and praying that everything goes smoothly with the D&C. Hugs!
Kelly S says
So sorry to hear this Courtney! I think it was so courageous for you to share- thank you! Thoughts are with you & your family. <3
Alycia says
I’m so, so sorry! Big hugs to you and Jay!
Laura says
So sorry for your loss. My first pregnancy was very similar – early spotting and I just felt like something wasn’t right. Lost our baby at 7.5 weeks, but our rainbow baby just arrived 4 weeks ago :). Take care of yourself. Thank you for sharing on your blog, I think that takes a lot of courage.
Krystan says
Courtney, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can’t imagine the range of emotions and the depth of your pain. I will be praying for your family, for healing, and for comfort. Thank you for being so open and honest!
Traci says
I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I know there is nothing anyone can say to make this experience any less heavy or heartbreaking, but just know how much support you have, even among virtual blog friends! Thank you for being real and sharing. <3
Monica says
I’m so sad for you, and sorry to hear that you are going through this. If I could give you a big hug right now, I would. It is the hardest news to hear. Thank you for reaching out, though. By sharing, you will hear how many other people have gone through something similar… if nothing else, you won’t feel so alone in all this. Much love and many blessings to you and your family.
Brie @ Lean, Clean, & Brie says
I am so sorry for your loss Courtney. My thoughts and prayers are with you & your family during this tough time <3.
Tara | Treble in the Kitchen says
I’m so so sorry, Courtney :(
Brianne says
I have been a long time reader and wanted to say how sorry I am for you and your family. I cried reading your post. My heart goes out to those who have experienced miscarriages bc I just can’t imagine how hard it must be. Praying for you today for your appointment and for comfort during this time.
Andrea says
So sorry to hear this! I’m so glad you have your beautiful little boy to cheer you up and hold tight. Thank you for your honesty.
Emily G says
*HUGS*
Kristen says
So sorry for your loss – keeping you in my thoughts through this difficult time
Emily says
Wow Courtney, I am so sorry! Thinking of you and your family.
Christine says
Heartbreaking…. no words. I hope the smile of your little Lucas can get you thru these next few days.
Kristy B. says
This post made me cry. I’m so so sorry. My heart/prayers are with you.
Krissie J @ Philly Nerd Girl says
Oh, Courtney, my heart hurts for you. :( That is incredibly heartbreaking. Thoughts are with you today, lady. *hugs*
Kj says
<3
Beks says
I’m so sorry to hear this. I’ll be praying for you three today. <3
Kelly says
Thank you for sharing. I can only imagine how hard this must be…
Amanda Peterson says
I’m so very sorry to hear! I wish I could give you a big hug. (Sorry if that’s creepy, but I feel like I know you.) Know you’ll be in my thoughts and prayers today.
Sarah says
My heart goes out to you and your family. You are so brave for sharing this and now you have a whole online family that is keeping you in our thoughts and prayers today.
Lauren C says
My heart goes out to you… I’m so sorry for your loss!
Jen says
So sorry for your loss. Prayers coming your way.
Nicole says
I am so sorry for your loss.
Meredith says
So sorry to hear about your loss; can’t imagine what you’re going through, but you do write about it so eloquently. Wishing you relief from this pain and hope for the future!
Lauren @ The Bikini Experiment says
I’m so sorry, Courney. I can’t imagine what you are going through. Thinking of you today. I think what makes your blog so special is how open and honest you are….thanks for sharing with us.
Anna L. says
So sorry to read this, Courtney. Thank you for sharing your loss with us readers. I’ve been reading your blog for over 4 years now, and I love how open and honest you continue to be- about the good and the bad. We all sympathize with you and wish you nothing but the best.
C says
Oh, Courtney, I’m so terribly sad to read this. I can’t imagine all the emotions you’re experiencing. You and Jay are in my thoughts and prayers <3
Tonia says
Thoughts and prayers to all of you.
Melissa says
Oh, Courtney. I am so so sorry to hear this. Sending you hugs and prayers.
Missy says
I have been reading and following you since almost day one of your blog when I stumbled upon one of you cupcake recipes. Its crazy that I don’t know you, but having been a part of your life the past several years via blog, my heart aches for you like a dear friend. I have 2 small boys and lost one almost a year and a half ago, and not a day goes by that I don’t think of the baby and wonder and miss them, even with out meeting them. Nothing anyone says can ease the pain and heartache, but thank you for welcoming us into you and your families life, the good and the bad. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Jay and sweet Lucas!
Tara C. says
oh Courtney, I am so so sorry. I hope and pray everything goes well today and that you are able to move on and heal. sending you three lots of love. ((Hugs))
Sam @ Better With Sprinkles says
I’m so sorry to hear this Courtney!! I can only imagine what you and Jay are feeling right now. I’ll be keeping you guys in my thoughts!
Katie @ Live Half Full says
I’m so sorry to hear, but you seem like you have a good perspective! Hug your little one and take care of yourself!
Sharyn says
Oh Courtney…I am so so so sorry for your loss. I admire your strength and courage to share this with all of us, I myself, went through a miscarriage in February and you really do feel like you are so alone so I thank you for this. I know it couldn’t have been easy to share. I am praying for you guys during this difficult time.
Emily @ Perfection Isn't Happy says
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you today!
Ellen @ My Uncommon Everyday says
I’m so sorry, Courtney! Thinking of you and Jay today.
Tristin Cadle says
So sorry to hear this Courtney. Thinking of you today and sending lots of healing energy your way.
Autumn says
I am so, so sorry for your loss. Will be thinking of and praying for you today as well as in the coming days and weeks. Hugs.
Kayla says
Oh Courtney, I am so sorry for your loss. I will be holding you in my heart today. Thank you for your bravery in sharing this with your readers. It’s undoubtedly a tough subject, but it’s an important one that all too often is shooed under the rug in favor of the touchy-feely, happy posts of blogs and social media. You deserve a round of applause.
Sue says
I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs,
Sue
Dominique says
❤️
Alyssa says
I am so incredibly sorry. Sending prayers your way.
Fiona @ Get Fit Fiona says
I’m so sorry.
Kate says
I cannot imagine what you have been feeling and what you are feeling today in particular but my thoughts and prayers are with you and Jay.
Lindsay says
Courtney, I’m so sorry. Thinking of you and your sweet family. xo.
Elle says
Thoughts and prayers are with you today and as you grieve. Although I have not been through this experience, I appreciate you sharing your story to help others who have/are/will.
Janay Ridge says
So sorry for your loss. Saddens me to think that someone so loving and nice has to go through something like this. Praying for you and your family.
Karen Jasmin says
I am so sorry Courtney, you are in my thoughts….
Jaclyn says
I’m sorry for your loss. Sending prayers to you and your family!
Lisa says
So sorry and sad to read this. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Kelsey Bjelland says
So sorry for your loss, Courtney. Thinking of you today. You are so courageous to share your story!
Sara @ Lake Shore Runner says
Courtney – I am so so sorry for your loss. I know that is not what you need to hear right now. But I want you to know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. My life motto is – Everything happens for a reason. Even though it is not easy to think sometimes this experience will lead to something even more special for you and your family down the road. XO
Johanna says
I am very sorry for your loss. Lots of prayers to you and your family. It is very devastating to loss something even if you never had it. Take your time to mourn and work through the process.
Stefanie Traynor says
I am so deeply sorry to hear about your loss! I truly believe there is a plan for all of us and everything really does happen for a reason. Life is so strange sometimes. God bless you and your family!
Sarah @ Sweet Miles says
Oh Courtney, I am so sorry to hear this. Thank you for sharing your story. Miscarriage seems to be so swept under the rug, and it’s nice to read “real” stories, and remind us all how precious life is! I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers today!
Brittany Lesser says
I’m so sorry to hear that, I know that is not easy to go through. My prayers are with you, stay strong <3
Courtney says
I am praying for you! Rest in His promise and assurance. You will be a mother again someday!
Megan says
My heart sank when I read your blog title… I just knew what you were going to say. I went through the same thing in January after trying to conceive for 8 months.
It really helped me to 1. Get out of the house. 2. Share with others. I didn’t share at all at first but have slowly told a few good friends and it has helped immensely.
Praying for you during this difficult time.
Erin @ The Grass Skirt says
My heart breaks for you and your family. I wish that I had some wonderful magical piece of advice to offer or even just the right words to say, but please just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Katie says
Courtney I am so, so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing I know it must have been difficult..
Sylvia says
Courtney, you are very brave for sharing this with us. Thank you. My thoughts are with you today *HUGS*
Julie @ A Better Life with Burgers says
Thank you so much for sharing, Courtney. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I wish you a peaceful healing journey, both physical and emotional. Sending you love and a bug hug.
Mary says
I am so sorry for your loss!! Thank you for having the courage and honesty to share this. I hope your procedure goes smoothly and you recover quickly.
Alyssa says
Sending prayers and lots of love to you, Jay, and Lucas! You are such a good mom and a strong woman! I’m sorry you have to go through this experience.
Shawna says
I am so sorry to hear this. You are both in my thoughts and prayers.
Jessica Molstad says
I am so sorry to hear this news. I will pray for you and your family.
Jamie says
I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you lots of positive thoughts your way today.
Lei says
I am very sorry for you loss. Praying for you. I love your blog!!
Jessica says
From someone going through her own infertility struggle trying for baby #1 – THANK YOU for sharing. Trying to conceive isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. I wish you nothing but the best. Hold Lucas (and Jay!) close.
Kristin says
I’m very sorry to hear about this. I’m sure it took a lot of courage to share something so personal, but I know there are so many out there who can relate to what you’re going through and hopefully it will help to get it all out there. Sending positive vibes and prayers to you and your family.
Kim says
I’m so, so sorry to hear about your loss. Two years ago yesterday, my husband and I found out I was pregnant after trying for 8 months…but I had a missed miscarriage at 14 weeks. We went in for an ultrasound only to discover the baby was measuring 11 weeks. I had a D&C done a week and a half later. I was very angry for a while, and actually stopped reading most HLBs as it seemed like everyone was getting pregnant at once. We still have not gotten pregnant since the miscarriage, but have discovered some underlying male & female fertility issues & have been advised that IVF would be our best option. I truly feel everything happens for a reason. Keep your chin up- good luck today & much happiness in the near future!
Bryna says
Courtney, I am so sorry you are going through this. My thoughts are with you and your family today.
JEN says
I am so very sorry for you loss. Thoughts and prayers with you and your family. You are so brave for sharing your story. take care dear.
Christy says
In reading your posts as of lately I had an inkling you were expecting. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss! I hate to use the cliche “everything happens for a reason” but there are two positives in this very sad time: you can focus on the move w/o the added stress of pregnancy (as much as I loved being pregnant – it is taxing & limiting) and secondly, it seems your body is having a much easier time conceiving this time around! I know that doesn’t diminish the sadness you probably feel. Hopefully spending time with Lucas and getting excited about the new house will help you through this difficult time.
Michelle says
So sorry for your loss. Thinking of you.
Amanda says
Thank you for sharing this with all of us – I hope that you can feel all of the love and prayers coming from your readers! Hang in there.
Bri says
Thank you for sharing this – I’m sure it is helpful to many women and families; pregnant or not.
I’m so sorry for your loss and hope you find comfort in your loving family and friends.
All the best, Courtney. <3
Jennifer L. says
<<<>> That Sucks. I’m sorry, girl.
Tressa says
I know it took a lot of guts to share this, but it’s unbelievable how many women have gone through this… or even women who have been struggling with infertility (like me for 3.5 years). Either way, they are both losses and we are all here to support each other during the most vulnerable times.
You will get through this and it only makes relationships stronger. Get all the hugs from Lucas today. Stay strong :)
Heather says
I’m sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family!
Hannah @ CleanEatingVeggieGirl says
I’m so very sorry to hear of your loss, Courtney :(
amy says
I read STSL every day but never comment- today I had to. Thoughts and prayers are with you! xoxo
Nicole says
So very sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the physical and emotional toll that can take on a woman. Here is to a brighter tomorrow, and becoming stronger for Lucas and your family because of this.
Julie says
So sorry to hear this news for you and your family! My Mom always reminds me that everything happens for a reason. And it really helps me to get through the tough times (especially the ones that are out of our control). I had a miscarriage before my son was born too and it is just the worst feeling. My thoughts are with you and your family at this hard time. :(
Emily says
You’re so brave for sharing this. You’ll help so many other ladies not feel alone. I’m so sorry. Thinking of you and your family and sending love and prayers.
Laur says
Thank you for sharing this. It takes a lot of courage and strength to look at the positives in this situation. You’re a strong Mom and a great one at that! Give Lucas and Jay a hug from me! <3 When the time is right, He will give you a chance.
Stacey M. says
I am so, so sorry for your loss Courtney. I can’t even imagine what you and Jay are going through right now. I applaud your courage for being able to share this highly personal story, but in some ways I think it might help others who have gone through or are currently going through the same situation. Sending my thoughts to you and Jay in this difficult time. I think you’re right though – maybe this is His way of saying this isn’t the right time. <3
Laura says
Oh Courtney, my heart totally goes out to you… I feel like I’m in such a similar boat as you. My daughter is two months older than Lucas, we are moving into a new house this month, and last month I had a miscarriage – we had been trying for baby #2 for seven months. I completely feel your heart ache. Completely. I probably can’t say anything that will make you feel better – allow yourself to grieve and be sad, time will heal. Take comfort in knowing that God does have a plan for you – He loves you so much and will take care of you – always tough to trust and believe in that when we have to endure pain and suffering.
Thank you for sharing – it can be such a lonely place to be in as many women choose not to share this information openly and you’re not sure who can relate. I’ll be praying for you today.
haley @Cupcakes and Sunshine says
Thank you so much for your openness and for sharing. Praying for you and your sweet family, Courtney!
Angie says
I’m so sorry It is so unfair that this happens. Thinking of you and your family today.
Josie says
So sorry for your loss. Praying for peace.
Brittney says
I’m soooooooooooooooooo sorry Courtney! This takes me back… ugh. Hang in there and I hope your surgery went ok. It’s just an awful thing to go through. Hugs :(
Amanda says
I’m so sad for you and your family and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I can totally relate. Like you, I struggled with hypothalamic amenorrhea, recovered, and finally got pregnant…only to lose the baby at 6 weeks. I know nothing will take away the pain, except for time, but hopefully knowing you’re not alone helps a little. Big hug! xoxo
Rachel @ Lou Lou Belle says
So sorry to hear of your news… Thank you for being courageous enough to share it with us.
Jamie says
I am so sorry Courtney! You were very brave to write this. It must have been extremely difficult but I know it will help a lot of other women to read it. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts!
Julie says
Thinking of you as you head in for your procedure. So sorry for your loss! Very courageous of you to share this news on your blog. As you point out, it’s a very personal experience. So thoughtful of you to share it w/ us. I’m glad the writing has been cathartic for you, & I bet it has likewise helped others who are reading & may have gone through a similar experience. Hugs to you & your family!
kbarr428 says
I am so, so sorry. I will keep you in my prayers. I’m sure sharing your story will help other women dealing with similar heartache or help them find some comfort should they find themselves there as well.
Katie says
I am so sorry you have to go through this. Lots of love and healing sent your way!
Donna says
Courtney,
I am so very sorry for your loss. I am sending love and prayers to both you and Jay and your entire family. Your story touched my heart to the very core. Please know that many people are holding you close to their hearts at this time.
Donna
Amy says
So so sorry to read about your loss. So many of us have been there and can relate, please feel like you can open up to your readers again/more if you feel up to it. Hugs and happy thoughts for your D&C and emotional recovery.
Gail says
So sorry Courtney! I had a miscarriage between my first and second babies. You’ve got so much weighing on you. Praying for strength and peace as you move through the remainder of this transitional period.
Anne @fANNEtasticfood says
Thinking of you, my dear. <3 <3
Amanda @ Coffee, Wine and Cuddles says
I am so very sorry for your loss. You will be in my thoughts and prayers <3
Ashley @ A Lady Goes West says
Courtney … thinking of you and your family in this tough time. :(
Brittany says
I am sorry you have to go through this. I’m glad it was therapeutic to write about. For me, it shockingling comforting to read because I am literally going though this now. I learned last week my numbers tapered and find out tomorrow where they’re at now. I’m hopeful they have gone down a lot naturally but have a feeling I’ll also need a d&c or citotec.
You are so brave to conquer this and share with others.
Thoughts and prayers…
Kelly says
So sorry for your loss.
Shawna says
wow, girl — praying for you today. so sorry for your loss, and prayers for comfort & strength and the support of your family as you undergo such a difficult thing.
Cathy says
Praying that you are surrounded with His love as you and your family walk this. Thank you for opening yourself up to us. Glad we can pray for you!
Stephanie @ My Freckled Life says
Courtney, I am so sorry to hear about your loss, and absolutely teared up while reading your post. My heart goes out to you and Jay, and you all are in my prayers right now. But like you said, God absolutely has a plan for you all, as hard as it may be for us to remember in the moment. Sending giant hugs your way!
Catherine @ foodiecology says
Courtney, I’m so sorry to read this. I’ve never experienced a loss like this myself, but I certainly empathize. I wish you peace and comfort during this time. <3
Deanna says
Thank you for sharing and I’m so sorry about your loss for who and what your family would have been.
I sit here with my 10 week old baby boy sleeping on my lap after 3 years of infertility (yes, 36 months of negative pregnancy tests..)
Miscarriage was always my greatest fear even though every month with a negative test was horrible and all consuming too.
You are so so brave to share this. I still can’t share my struggle with infertility with my own family and close friends because even though my sweet baby is finally here it is still so painful. Thank you again. Wish I was as strong as you are.
Erin says
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’ve gone through it twice before as well (and I have a beautiful 20 month old son), but you never forget about what you’ve lost. Will be thinking about you.
Caroline says
Sending prayers to you and your family, Courtney. XOXO
Shel@PeachyPalate says
I’m in total shock so I can’t imagine how you feel. Thank you so much for sharing your story it can’t have been easy. I’m not even sure what to say I just knew I had to comment having read each and every word, shed a few tears and felt those nervous heart pangs when I just hoped what I thought I was going to read wasn’t true…xxx
Courtney says
Courtney, I’m so sorry for your loss. I, too, experienced an early miscarriage about a year and a half ago and I had a similar outlook. God has a plan and good things will come. Take care of yourself and your little guy and husband!
Ruthie hart says
Oh Courtney, I am so sad to hear this news and I am covering you in prayer. This cannot be easy but my prayer is that you find comfort, peace, and joy.
Dania says
I am so sorry for your loss. It was very courageous of you to share this with us. Whether we know you personally, or not, you clearly have a tremendous support circle and I am glad we can reach out with encouraging words and strong hopes of bringing you comfort and peace. Stay strong.
Fiona says
Courtney , I’m so sorry for your loss . My sister and many friends have dealt with the devestation of miscarriage and no matter how many it never gets easier . Give your time to grieve and heal . I feel as women we are supposed to be strong and act like these things are ‘normal’ and though they are common it’s still a tragedy . Thank you for sharing your experience because here are so many ladies out there ‘afraid’ to talk about this topic and we shouldn’t be ! We need all the support and love we can get so I send as much as I can your way ! Xo
kim p says
Prayers for you, Jay and Lucas….. Sending virtual hugs your way.
Elizabeth says
I’m so sorry for your loss! THANK you so much for sharing. I have so many friends have gone through this but a lot of people don’t want to talk about so it great you are so other women don’t feel alone or “why me” when this happens. It is actually more common than most people think.
Megan says
I am so sorry for your loss, thank you for sharing this.
Joey says
Hi there Courtney –
I am a long-time reader and enjoyer of your blog! I, like many others, so appreciate your joyful corner of the internet. This is my first time commenting not only on your blog, but any other (I am usually just a little too internet shy to break that boundary). But I just wanted to reach from my heart to yours today. I was so gripped by your post and your words, and I can’t even begin to imagine what you must be going through and feeling. I just wanted to say that though we may not understand much this side of eternity (certainly things like this are beyond what we can fathom), we truly can hold fast to what we DO know about God and His nature, and through these truths be comforted as we heal.
Always remember that
God is.
God is able.
God is good.
God will work.
God loves you (and Jay, and Lucas, and your unborn children that are in heaven with Him).
God’s ways are perfect.
God’s timing is perfect.
Calling these things to mind always brings me peace, and I pray it will nurture your hurting heart as well. Prayers to you, your husband Jay, and your sweet blessing Lucas.
Katie says
Prayers to you and your family. Thank you for sharing your story as I’m sure many women reading this have gone through something similar. Hugs from Glenmont.
Amy says
I’m just simply so sorry for your loss, Courtney. My heart and prayers are with you.
Beckie says
Thank you for sharing your story. Too many people hide their miscarriages and/or pregnancy struggles just because that is how society functions. I have a very similar story and though I talk about it, my husband lives in the dark about it. Praying for you and your family.
Jess says
I am so very sorry for your loss. I’m keeping you and jay in my thoughts and prayers.
Julie says
Longtime reader here, never commented before, but I just wanted to express how sorry I am for your loss and I’m praying for you in this difficult time. There just aren’t any words that seem meaningful enough, but I wish you a lot of love and support around you in such a sad time.
Allison K says
courtney, I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Karen says
I am so-so sorry!! I couldn’t imagine going through it. You are so strong and will get through it. Lucas is just adorable and you are right, it wasn’t the right time. He has special plans for you and our family. Thoughts and prayers are with you. xoxo
Julia @ Lord Still Loves Me says
Courtney, there are no words. I am deeply sorry you and your family are enduring this sad time. I don’t know your thoughts on faith, but I am keeping you in my prayers.
Angelyn Dodson says
so sorry and sad for you!! praying for you all…
Sara says
I am so, so sorry for your loss. You are so brave for sharing. You can always remember this little one in your heart!
Julie says
Longtime reader…thinking of you, Courtney – my heart aches for you and all you are going through right now. Hug your sweet little boy tight and know that God reveals himself in mysterious ways. Thanks for keeping it real, we are all here with you on this journey in spirit. XOXO!
McKenzie says
Thank you for sharing-you have no idea how many people can relate & find comfort knowing they aren’t alone. After 6 yrs of infertility I lost a baby in a much similar situation (measured small, then no heartbeat the following week) about 1 1/2 yrs,ago. Even though I had that “something isn’t right” feeling, it didn’t make that loss easier. I opted for the meds to complete the miscarriage, bc like you, the thought I’d having the baby inside was just too tough. The few days after that were the worst. And i remember for months after thinking of how far along is be, etc. But over time, that faded. I still love that baby & will never forget that loss, but as I sit here hosing my almost 1 month old son, I know there was a reason for that loss. Just know we are all thinking of you-and Gove little Lucas an extra big hug tonight.
Nicole says
So sad to read this. Pray that you find strength from God to make it through this difficult time. It’s so difficult to try to understand why things like that happen. I’ve been following your blog for the last 6 months or so and love to follow your sweet family.
Amanda @ Diary of a Semi-Health Nut says
Oh my gosh I’m SO sorry, Courtney! That has to be the absolute worst feeling. Glad you have your little guy and his sweet smile to ease the pain! <3
Jessi says
So sorry, but thank you for sharing. It’s far too frequently a hidden pain. Thinking of you and your family!
Kerry says
I am a reader but don’t comment often. You are so brave to share this time in your life. I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending prayers your way. You have a great support system around you!
bets says
Thank you for sharing. I know that nothing anyone says will be the right thing and nothing will make you feel better, but I hope you know so many people are thinking about you and your family. I hope no one makes you feel bad for grieving over an early loss, its devastating no matter when it happens. I hope the procedure goes well and that you can rest comfortably at your parents.
tiff @ love, sweat, & beers says
Hugs! I am so sorry for your loss. I’m glad that sharing this was therapeutic. I’m sure that reading it has helped other women who have experience or may still experience the same.
Kait says
News, such as a miscarriage, is never an easy thing to comprehend. It’s down right shitty. But like you said, maybe this wasn’t God’s plan for you right now. That does not mean that a beautiful and healthy pregnancy cannot happen.
My dad’s an ultrasound sonographer and often encounters women who have miscarriages, still- borns, etc. He told me that women have a tendency to blame themselves for the miscarriage ( maybe I shouldn’t have lifted that box, I’ve been so stressed lately, I caused this). It’s so easy to blame yourself, when in actuality it is NOTHING you did wrong. Hang in there! I’ve been a long time reader and never comment, however, I felt like you should know that there are people out here rooting for you! This is just one of life’s bumps in the road and you will overcome this! I hope you have a great day and you and your family are in my prayers :)
Lyndsay says
So sorry to read this! I never comment but have been a long time reader. Thank you for sharing this. I myself had 2 miscarriages after my son and it was heartbreaking and lonely until I started talking about it with friends and realized most of them had experienced losses as well. Know that you’re not alone and that it’s such a great sign that you can at least conceive easily. I was so fortunate and got pregnant by surprise about 5 days after my second miscarriage ended and am expecting a baby girl in less than a month. Hang in there!! Xo
Ky G says
I hardly ever comment but I had to this time…sending you love and prayers!
Melissa says
I cried for you a little this morning. Mostly because you are so brave and you give a lot to your readers. I am sure it was not easy to press that POST button. Thank you for being you and always reminding me that everyone battles something. You probably helped so many people ease some pain by sharing your experience. You have a great support system and I know they will help you through this. I always refer to you as “my friend” even though you have no idea who I am. As in, “oh my friend gave me this recipe” or “my friend taught me how to curl my hair with a flat iron” or “my friend’s baby does that too”. So, for what its worth I am so sorry my friend. I sincerely love your blog and look forward to it everyday.
Kelsey says
I’m so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time. I also hope your procedure went well.
Kristin says
I’m sorry to hear this happened to you and your family. I’m glad you have a great husband and an adorable little boy to get you through. I’ve been there too; it’s definitely a club no one wants to be a part of. I believe you will find that although no one can replace this one, that there is still love to give to whomever follows, all while holding this one in your heart.
Renee says
Oh Courtney I’m so sorry, lots of hugs and prayers for all of you! Everything will work itself out <3
Chelsea @ Chelsea Eats Treats says
I am so incredibly sorry to hear this. As you said everything happens for a reason, but I know that probably doesn’t make things easier. I will say a prayer for you and your beautiful family. <3
Heather@hungryforbalance says
I am so sorry that you are going through this. We had quite a bit of trouble getting pregnant with our daughter, too. I was told at the time to expect a miscarriage because my uterus was so small. We were fortunate that was not our outcome.
Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.
Cara says
Thank you for writing about this. It helps lessen the stigma of the topic. *HUGE HUGS*
A Morning grouch says
I’m sorry. I’ve been through this a couple of times myself and it is devastating. Even when you’re grateful for your one. You will always grieve a little for the ones you lost (at least I think I will). I hope that writing helps get rid of a smidge of the pain.
Kelsey Yoki says
Thinking of you and Jay during this trying time. <3 Much love!
Katie says
This is exactly what happened to me. I got pregnant immediately, and at my 8 week checkup, the baby was measuring 6.5 weeks. But, like you, I felt so good. I knew something was wrong. I told the tech that I was so worried, because I really don’t feel pregnant. I think knowing that in the back of my mind did help a tiny bit. I wasn’t as blindsided as I could have been. I think we, as women, just know.
She had me wait a week, and scheduled a D & C the following week. I ended up miscarrying on my own the morning of the surgery, which was 9.5 weeks. It was such a terrible experience to go through. I am so so sorry that you had to go through that.
Courtney says
I’m so sorry you had to experience that as well. Eerily similar, hearing your story. I hope you’re also doing well, Katie
Jill says
Courtney, I am so sorry for your loss. I suffered a miscarriage over 2 years ago (blighted ovum) and it is heartbreaking, no matter how early it is. We still haven’t managed to get pregnant, but try to remain optimistic. I’ve been a long-time reader and didn’t realize you have had 2 previous miscarriages. Knowing that now, it makes me even happier that you have sweet Lucas in your life. It also gives me hope that it will happen for us when the time is right. I will continue to keep you in my prayers as you grieve and heal.
Krystina says
I’m so sorry for your loss Courtney! But I’m glad you shared your story b/c I’m sure many women can relate and this will probably help them. Your strength and attitude towards the situation is inspiring and I wish you and your family nothing but the best.
Grace says
Oh, Courtney. My heart aches for you and your family. Thank you for sharing this story; it will help other mothers out there. Sending all my best.
Kellie says
Courtney, I am so so sorry to hear this. No matter how advanced that baby is, you loved it from its very beginning. My heart breaks for you. Praying for you and Jay as you heal from this. Much love to you guys.
Sunny says
I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending hugs your way.
Ashley Kriss says
I am truly sorry to hear about your loss. I am a long time reader and really enjoy the honesty of your blog. I suffered a miscarriage back in April and it’s hard to understand why it happened and the intense love I had for that little human will never go away. I just keep telling myself I have a little angel baby. Prayers that the healing and peace come to you! xo
Danica @ It's Progression says
Courtney, I’m so sorry to hear this. I don’t know why these things happen, none of us do I suppose, but I pray that God will just give you peace, comfort, and the love of the family and friends around you during this time of grief and confusion.
Kelli says
I am so, so sorry to hear this. I can not imagine the sadness and confusion but I admire your outlook to trust that it wasn’t the right time. My husband and I are trying to conceive and every month or hasn’t worked I tell myself the same thing. When the time is right, it’ll happen!
karleen says
I’ve been a long time reader of yours Courtney, and I’m just reading this now. I am so so sorry for your loss. I have never experienced this, but I have friends that have, and I know how difficult it is. I am so sorry you’re going through this. I have so much admiration and respect for you and your decision to share this on your blog. I hope writing this provided some relief for you and given you hope and positivity looking towards the future. Thank you again for your honesty and wish you nothing more but hope, love, and faith that the time will come for you to get pregnant again.
Emily says
I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. I continue to hold you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. ((Hugs))
Emily says
I’m so so incredibly sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking into a million pieces right now because of my own miscarriage at 4 weeks- also a “chemical pregnancy.,” do you mind me asking how much longer it took you to get pregnant with sweet Lucas after yours?
Courtney says
I’m so sorry to hear that, Emily. We got pregnant with Lucas the very next month. Stay positive! :)
Ashley says
I am going through this exact same thing right now. I should be 9 weeks, but the baby only measured 6.5 weeks with no heartbeat. I remembered that you had written about a similar situation so I wanted to reread it. I opted for the pills to help it along and ended up in the emergency room this week. The most physical and emotional pain I’ve ever been in, but I got to see the baby in the ER, which was heart wrenching but at least provided somewhat of closure.
People say they understand your pain, but no one understands unless they have been through it, and everyone in my life knows someone that has been through it but hasn’t been through it themselves. It is oddly comforting to know that I am not alone, so thank you very much for posting about this. Much love from a stranger in Chicago.
Heather says
I remember reading this post the month before I got pregnant with my 2nd and today I just found out (at 8 weeks) that there’s no heartbeat. I’m so incredibly sorry for what you went through and I’m reading this post in a completely different light right now. I hope you’re loving your new home and wanted to send some love and thoughts your way!
Courtney says
I’m so, so sorry to hear that Heather. Sending love and positive thoughts your way as well. Xo
Heather says
Thank you so much!!!
Rachel says
I just had my 8 week visit yesterday and found out our baby had no heartbeat. I remembered reading this when you first posted and decided to re-read it today. I’m so thankful I did. It was so helpful to read about someone dealing with the same thing and feeling the same things I am. It gives me hope to know that you successfully became pregnant again not long after. I appreciate your openness and honesty. Thank you so much for sharing your experience.
Courtney says
Oh Rachel, I’m so so sorry to hear this. I’m glad to hear that this post help, but I know it doesn’t take away the pain. I’m thinking of you <3
Nikki S says
I remember reading this post when you initially posted it and today I decided to read it again as I have to go and get my D&C later today. We found out last week there was no longer a heartbeat at what would’ve been week 9. I am extremely sad, I’m angry and a bit nervous for today but reading your post helped ease some of my nerves. Knowing that you had two successful pregnancies gives me great hope to not give up. And although I have never met you, I do feel connected to you in a way for going through some similar experiences and both being from upstate helps :) Thank you for sharing your story and helping to ease the sadness.
Courtney says
Nikki, I’m so so sorry to hear you’re also having to go through this. But yes, please don’t lose hope and do NOT give up! Sending you lots of love and hope you’re recovering well <3