A little over a year and a half ago, I wrote a post all about my Honest Thoughts on Having a Second Baby. At the time, I had NO idea what was to come. Whew!
And now, here we are…Alex is almost 14 months and I feel like now would be a good time to come back to that post and reflect on those initial thoughts, worries, and curiosities on how life would be like.
(My original thoughts are bolded and italicized below, with my current thoughts underneath!)
I’m terrified. I have no doubt that my world is about to be flipped upside-down once our second bundle of joy arrives. And as much as I’d like to say, “ahhh, I’ve done this before! Piece of cake!” I’m not naïve enough to think that’s going to be the case.
No, things definitely were NOT a piece of cake. A colicky baby combined with a potty training, just-turned-threenager about to start school and a new daycare was definitely far from being a piece of cake. Our world was rocked and I struggled. It took a good, long time to finally feel like I was able to keep my head above water. Baby #2 is definitely not always the same as baby #1 was!
I’m SO excited. For so many reasons. The thought of having another living person that Jay and I created just boggles my mind sometimes!
This STILL boggles my mind. I look at these two day after day and constantly think about how we actually created them…and then continue to wonder how the heck we got lucky enough to call them ours.
Even though I’ve always pictured my family with two kids, I never imagined the immense, mixed emotions I’d feel about bringing a second child into our family. Part of me wants to make sure I soak in every second of this pregnancy because it will likely be the last time I’ll get to experience it.
Yeah…I was pretty much over being pregnant by about month 6. Which really surprised me because it was such a far cry from how I felt during my first pregnancy. I loved being pregnant the first time around! But being pregnant while chasing around a toddler is a whole different ball game. I tried my best to enjoy it, and I did, but it definitely wasn’t the same as the first time.
When I think about having to take out my breast pump again, it makes my toes curl. I will undoubtedly want to burn that thing once all is said and done.
Gahhhhh, the dreaded pump. Thankfully, I didn’t have to use it quite as often this time around, since I only needed to pump at the office 2x/week plus usually once in evenings most nights. I stopped using it around when Alex was 10ish months (I think?) and I was not sorry to see it go one bit!
But at the same time, the thought of nursing a newborn (hoping that he/she is as easy as Lucas was) brings me so much joy. That bond was so special with Lucas, and I look forward to being able to (hopefully) do it again.
Alex and I were very lucky to have an incredible bond with nursing, and it wasn’t until around 13-1/2 months when we finally finished. We had a rather rough go of it to start (thrush for him, some of the worst pain ever experienced for me with nursing), and there was more than one occasion where I was ready to call it quits in the beginning, but we toughed it out and I’m so glad we did.
I wonder if it will be at all possible for my boobs to shrink even more after the second baby. Something tells me it’s probably possible, which is a bit of a bummer.
Ummm, yep. It’s possible. Very possible. I don’t even want to talk about it.
I sit and stare at Lucas daily and wonder what, if any, of his features his brother or sister will have. Will we have another blond hair, dark eyed baby? Will he/she be adventurous, curious, and stubborn just like his/her older brother? Will they be totally similar, or like night and day?
It’s so funny because when Alex was first born, he didn’t look anything like his big brother. Dark hair, light eyes…the total opposite of my blond-haired, brown-eyed first born.
But as Alex has gotten a bit older, we do feel like he’s starting to resemble big brother a little bit more (gone is that dark hair!), but he’s definitely still got his own looks.
And personality!
I can’t wait to see how Lucas interacts with his little brother or sister. And on that same note, I’m also incredibly nervous about that, too. “Gentle” isn’t necessarily a word I use to describe my busy, active boy!
This has gone through many stages. When Alex first arrived, Lucas was very intrigued but pretty much kept his distance.
Then there was a very long stage of him not wanting anything to do with the baby…but also not wanting mommy to have anything to do with the baby, either. That was the toughest stage, emotionally (hello hormones + mom guilt!). Then we got into the stage where Lucas always wanted to know where Alex was and would ask about him/what he was doing multiple times a day.
And then Alex became mobile and was able to start taking his toys and touching him…
And he wanted no part of it. ; )
Now? Lucas loves his brother and is VERY protective of him.
He loves to try and have him follow along with chasing after him or doing what he’s doing, but he gets frustrated when Alex can’t keep up. He’s also a really great helper.
But he’s still not a fan of Alex stealing his toys…
Even though I have no doubt there are years of playing referee ahead of us, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Thinking about being able to experience all of the “firsts” with another child makes me giddy. I can’t wait to see his/her first smiles and hear his/her giggles. As exhausting as the newborn stage can be, I’m so ready to experience a little squishy newborn again.
If we’re being honest here, I really did not enjoy the newborn stage with Alex. Colic is an incredibly taxing experience, and looking back on those first few months, it all seems like a total blur. Like, I’m pretty sure I mentally blocked out most of it. So I felt pretty disappointed in that regard, because a little squishy newborn is just the sweetest, you know? But all of the firsts with Alex have been equally as exciting as they were with Lucas, and are some of my favorite memories.
The thought of no longer getting solid sleep for a long time gives me a major case of the sads.
Yes, lack of sleep is the worrrrst. And Alex’s bedtime shenanigans for those first few months left me wanting to pull all of my hair out (oh wait, I didn’t have to worry about that because it all fell out…) on more than one occasion.
I worry about how having two babies will affect a marriage. Don’t get me wrong…we’re solid! But will we ever have time for ourselves?? Will I have enough energy to give to everyone in the family?
Let’s get honest again for a second here. I already touched on this subject a bit in this post, but adjusting from one to two kids was hard for us. Two kids makes life busy, of course. And then on top of that, we each still want to have the time to do our own things and (me, mostly) will often times feel slighted when I’m not able to get done the things I need to get done but (I feel like) he can. Jay is a 100% hands-on dad and husband, who does more than his fair share of help around the house, so I don’t say this to bash him in any way; but it’s a pretty well known fact that a lot more changes for mom than it does for dad when it comes to the day-to-day stuff. On top of that, I have a habit of giving all of my energy to the boys and not enough for Jay.
But we’re still learning, we’re still adjusting, and we’re really trying to make sure to take some more time these days to focus on US. It doesn’t necessarily have to mean a “date night” or anything like that…even if it’s just a half hour of chatting (with no phones in hand!) after the kiddos go to bed. So yes, we’ve had our rough times, but we’ve still got our great times. And he’s still stuck with me forever <3
I’m nervous about how I’ll be able to manage going back to work with two kids. It’s really not an option for me to not go back, and I really do like working and what I do. But I cannot fathom how I’ll ever manage to get out of the house in one piece in the mornings.
It’s chaos most days, and we’re hardly ever on time. But somehow, we make it work. Sort of. Like I said…it’s still crazy.
There will be a part of that will be equally happy and equally sad no matter if our second is a boy or a girl. If it’s a boy, I’ll be ecstatic for Lucas to have a brother to play with, but I’ll be sad that I’ll never get to experience having a girl (assuming we stick with only have 2 kids). Vice versa, I’d love to have both a boy and a girl, but I’ll be sad that Lucas won’t have a brother “buddy.”
I was actually just talking about this with a few friends recently. As I mentioned when we first found out Alex was a boy, I experienced a bit of disappointment and sadness.
I hesitated to ever even express that publicly, but it’s the truth so there’s no reason in denying it. I had always pictured myself having a daughter, and the thought of that not happening hit me pretty hard. I eventually accepted that fact and was, obviously, just happy for a healthy baby. I did love the idea of my boys having a brother for each other as the grew up, and that did help take away some of the sadness. I’d continuously find solace in talking with fellow boy moms, or seeing pictures of other moms of boys, proudly sporting their #boymom hashtags on social media. I even did it (and still do).
But it probably wasn’t until about a month ago where something just sort of clicked. Maybe it’s because we’re finally finding our groove. Maybe it’s because it was just a good day with the boys. Whatever the reason was though, I could confidently say that I truly was fine with the fact that I do not (and likely will not) have a daughter. Being a mom of boys (or any mom, no need to stereotype here) is exhausting, but my goodness it is fun. And while I have no clue how I got here, I am finally at a place where I don’t feel like there’s a void. And it’s a good feeling. <3
There are at least a few days every week where I’ll tear up or cry because I feel such guilt and emotion surrounding the idea that Lucas will no longer get my full, undivided attention. I’ve come to learn that this is not uncommon, after reading so many different articles about the mommy guilt that surrounds your second child. I honestly can’t get through ANY of those articles without ugly crying. Although I KNOW that this is what we want and are thrilled, and I’m sure that Lucas (and us) will absolutely appreciate him having a playmate, I still have a really hard time thinking about how he’s no longer going to be my baby (even though he’ll still always be my baby).
Everyone told me that I would be fine, but at the time, I believed nobody. I had no idea HOW I was going to get past the guilt I was feeling. It was something that consumed me almost everyday…like to a point where I legit felt that it wasn’t normal. And maybe it wasn’t.
But then Alex arrived and everything that everyone was telling me was (sort of) true. Sure, I still had guilt. And I balled my eyes out the day that Lucas came to meet Alex for the first time at the hospital.
But the guilt really did fade. And I say fade because I don’t think it will ever go away. There’s always mom guilt, right?
***********
So there you have it. A (very lengthy…sorry!) reflection on how life has been with two kiddos. It’s been a rollercoaster, but it’s been a fabulous one. And these boys are just the light of my life. <3
For the moms of more than one out there…how did you adjust to growing your family? Did you have any struggles? Was it emotional for you?
Heather @Lunging Through Life says
Thank you for sharing this! I have had many of the same thoughts lately and given mine is only 2 months old, it’s nice to read your initial thoughts and what they are now. I felt a lot of guilt for my first not being my only, and truthfully, we had gotten into such a groove and things were easy and I miss that!
Brynn says
Absolutely love this post! I’m expecting my second in two months and have had a lot of these thoughts and questions myself. There is a lot of excitement but nerves as well – what will it be like, how will we manage, how will we adjust. Thank you for sharing and being so honest!
montessoriishmom says
I love this so much! We only have one baby right now, but hope to have more in the future and I loved reading your honest thoughts :)
Meika says
Thank you for writing this post! I have a 2.5 year old and a 4 month old (both boys!) and this what exactly what I needed to hear. I’m going back to work in a few weeks and I’m in desperate need of some sort of normalcy before then. I think the beauty of the second is that you know there’s light at the end of the tunnel and it WILL get easier. And thanks for also sharing your feelings about not having a girl – I definitely went through the same thing. Someone told me that it was mourning something you’d never have, and I felt like that was so true.
Bree W says
Thanks so much for sharing this. I needed it!
Irene says
Thanks for sharing! I relate to so much of this right now as I am pregnant with my second (and likely last child). My daughter had horrible horrible reflux and colic and cried the vast majority of her first few months of life. I have very few happy memories from that time and I feel sooooo guilty about that. Luckily the guilt is easing as time goes on and my daughter is healthy and happy and I get to actually enjoy her! But I really appreciate when people are honest about the challenges of a colicky baby. I think people who have newborns who sleep a lot and can be awake happily just have a totally different experience. I am absolutely terrified baby 2 will have the same struggles and it will be crazy hard on my daughter. But I hope I’ll have better perspective this time around and remember that it passes.
Missy says
Thank you thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing this!! I am pregnant with #2 and actually remembered your post from when you were pregnant with Alex and went back and read it not too long ago, which helped because it made me feel a little more normal and not alone with these feelings. I have so many of the same worries and, while I know everything will ‘be ok’ in the end it’s nice to hear it straight from someone who just went through it. I’m bracing myself for the inevitable craziness but crossing my fingers we make it out the other side in (mostly) one piece!
Tara says
Courtney, I’ve been reading your blog since before you had Lucas, mostly for the delicious cupcake recipes! I greatly appreciate reading a blog that is positive, but extremely honest and doesn’t sugar coat things! You are truthful that having two is an amazing gift, but also a lot of work!! I am a mom of one, but we plan on hopefully having another baby and this was a great post!! Thank you!
Sam says
Love the update to this post! My second is two months old so I definitely relate to a lot of these things. Especially the husband part. I’m glad I’m not the only one who gets a little jealous that the husbands always seem to have it a bit easier, even though mine does an incredible amount of work around the house and is just an all around awesome dad. It’s hard to not find fault when the emotions are high and hormones are al over. But reading through this helps to reassure all of newly second-time moms that is WILL even out and get easier.
Megan says
I love how honest you are! I have 14 month twins so we went from 0 to 2 at once. It was hard and continues to be hard! But also good. I also have two
Boys and although we want another, I have a feeling we only make boys so I’m coming to terms with potentially never having a daughter.
Blair says
I love that you are so open and honest. For us, it was the third kid that made things a bit rocky Okay well it wasn’t the third kid exactly … It was selling a house, moving, a new job, all with a newborn that rocked out world. Once we resettled, I realized that the kids – they are easy – its the living part that is a bit harder sometimes. My husband had a bit of a rougher time with the loss of me time after baby #3, now I am gunning for baby #4 and he is all hold the horses … You never know what is in store for you and your family. It’s amazing how things work out just so whether they are your plan or His. Your boys are precious and I love reading about your adventures. Keep doing a great job!
Laura G. says
I am a Mom to a 3.5 yr old and 11 month old girls. And to say the transition from 1-2 was hard is an understatement! I’m still struggling on a daily basis. My 11 month old has never slept more then 1-2 hours at a time, and yes that’s ALL night long!! She has never taken a bottle either, so unfortunately it’s been all me for 11 months with little help as my husband works night shift. There are days I want to cry and give up and some easier days. So I completely understand your guilt and frustrations. Thank you for being so real with true emotions. I love my girls with every being, but man it is hard! Love your Blog! Been a long time reader!
Olviya says
Thanks for sharing Courtney! I have two boys 2, and 10 months, so I can relate to a lot of the things you wrote about. <3
Erin says
Oh your last comment, this is me now! I want another but the thought of me not giving all my attention to my little one really makes me sad and cry too. She’s my little buddy and I absolutely love my time with her. I worry so so so much about this and I’m not even pregnant 😦 Perhaps my worry is a bit too much too but I can’t help it!
Heather says
My boys are exactly 14 months apart. Some days it is amazing, other days I want to cry in a corner. Bringing home a baby to, essentially, a baby, was TOUGH. The lack of sleep, the mom guilt, the similar yet totally different stages…the first year was really as exhausting as it was exhilarating. Now, at 2 and 3, I am SO thankful that I went through that year. My gosh, my boys are CLOSE. I can see the bond and it is so deeply meaningful to me. Sure, they fight and bicker, but they have such a special connection – they have their own language, they are learning new things together (hello, potty training!), they cause each other to belly laugh multiple times a day. It’s wonderful watching these boys grow up together. I do hope we’re able to have one more and now my concerns are so different. Because my boys are so close in age, I’m concerned a third would end up being a third wheel! We’ll see where fate takes us.
Ash Z says
I have two boys – Mason is 5 and Owen will be 2 next month, we have talked about it and we are done having children, but every couple months I get sad that I won’t have a daughter and I want another baby. I am not sure it will ever go away, but we are excited to start traveling in a couple years when the boys are older and we can’t do that with another baby.
Having two is tough, but life is full of challenges right?
Great post!
Melissa says
This is so great, Courtney! I just entered the mom of two world 4 months ago, and it already feels like ages ago that I was worrying about this stuff and pregnant still. I think having 2 has been MUCH much harder on me than one. It’s just changed a lot with our family dynamics and I’ve had to let a lot of what I think we need or what I want go. But I know it’s just for a season.
I love your honesty and that you are real but still so happy about it all (at least it seems!). The professional pics of your boys are SO CUTE! I’ve loved following your motherhood journey :)
Valerie says
This is just the greatest post. I’ve been reading your blog since before I had my son seven months ago, but I find myself going back and reading your baby updates to help me make sense of each phase. Thanks for always being open and real.
Rachel says
Thank you so much for writing this! My due date for girl number 2 is tomorrow. I appreciate reading your thoughts a year after having Alex. I’m nervous for many of the same things, especially how much my life will change being a mom of 2. It’s so reassuring to know that even with a “difficult” newborn you will get through it and it’s awesome! Thank again for this!!!!!
Leah says
Thanks for being honest. What a great post. I remember feeling all those emotions. My kids are older–10 and 6. Man how time flies. As hard as it was back then, I miss those days. It just felt simpler. Everyone tells you to enjoy it but in the moment, it can be hard. You are doing an awesome job, mama!
Laurie says
I love your honest posts, Courtney. A lot of bloggers make everything look like sunshine and rainbows in the moment, and then later reveal that things were rough, and I find it so hard to relate to. I’ve been reading your blog for years (thanks for the Valentin rec, my husband and I had the BEST vacation there a few years back).
We have a 19 month old and are thinking about trying for our second soon and honestly I am TERRIFIED because we just got into a groove and I don’t want to turn our world upside down. In the last year we’ve moved, I’ve switched jobs twice, my husband started graduate school…it’s a lot of changes so throwing a new baby in the mix is so scary. But I’m turning 35 soon and I’ve always envisioned having two kids. Anyway, thanks for honest perspective!
Katie says
I totally relate to so much of this! I have 3 girls- the youngest 14 months and at first I was pretty sad about not having a boy. But, recently I have made peace with it also. It is hard when you think about not experiencing something that so many women get to, but like you said, we are beyond lucky to have healthy children in the first place, and I try not to take that for granted. The newborn stage was definitely harder this time around because there are so many other things to do with multiple children. Most days are just survival in those early months. And this last baby was much harder than the others, and didn’t sleep for a very long time, so it makes it hard to enjoy. Also, you want that last baby to be able to play and do things with the older ones, so you tend to want to rush it more. The first, I feel like, you can just let them be a baby more. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, and it is sad to say I never will feel any more kicks (most likely) or hold that little teeny baby. But the stress and exhaustion and worrying and everything are so so hard. I don’t know if mentally I could do it again!
Shaqueefa says
So sweet! I love the raw and real ness of having babies! I’m already a biscuit case with my dog!
Jillian says
Yes to all this! I have been reading your blog for just over a year now, and I enjoy it so much! I look forward to reading it on my breaks at work. I feel like I can relate so well to you and your experiences. My husband and I have an almost 3 year old daughter and an almost 1 year old son, and we both work full time. Like yours, my oldest was a lot easier than our youngest. He is definitely more hands on, and I don’t know if it’s just his personality or if it’s because we have to divide our time with him unlike when we just had her. I remember you said a while ago about how people refer to Alex as thick or solid, and that is my son lol He is almost 1 year old and he weighs 24 lbs, but he is just big all around (big head, big feet).
Having 2 was a hard adjustment to me and my husband as well. I think it was harder for me and part of it was due to possibly having a tinge of postpartum anxiety. I had only heard of postpartum depression and never knew the anxiety part existed. So that was fun for the first few months. My maternity leave was 16 weeks long, and I don’t think I really enjoyed the first 7 weeks :( It was tough having a newborn with a toddler. I had my first C-section and not being able to really lift my toddler (who was 22 months when my son was born) was hard. My daughter also got lice from daycare (we were sending her a few times a week to keep her schedule consistent) and then at the same time my son got a perianal abscess. We also had to find a new daycare as our old lady was retiring. So yea life was fun those first 7 weeks haha
But now we are finding our groove. It may be hectic, but it is what it is at this point while they are so young. It is a race against the clock from the moment we get home from work. I have found that the crockpot is my best friend, and I really have to meal prep if we want to attempt to survive the work week Ha! I usually prep a meal on Sunday for Monday and Tuesday, then make something in the crockpot on Wednesday morning for Wednesday and Thursday, and then we typically get take-out on Friday nights. We do bath night every other night to try and reduce the chaos. We are always tired, but I think that’s just the name of the parenting game. It is the most amazingly wonderful, horribly hard, rewarding and exhausting experience. I wouldn’t change it for anything!
I love what you said up above about how having 2 kids has affected your marriage. I completely agree with everything you said. My hubby is also a very hands on dad/husband, but I agree with you in that moms are just on 100% and our minds don’t quit. I feel you! We also try and take some time to reconnect with each other, and while some days it feels like all we get is a few words, we sure try our best.
Thank you for this! It helps to read others that feel and think the same way you are feeling.
Alyssa says
Fellow #boymom here! Mine are 15 months and almost 3. I definitely relate to a lot of this post. I experienced so much guilt during my second pregnancy about what I was “doing” to my oldest as well! I also loved my first pregnancy, and the second time around, chasing a toddler, ummmmmm…did not love it. I lucked out with my second being an easy newborn, but now, with him constantly running, I find this time much more challenging with two kids! I also often (constantly?) feel guilty about not giving enough time/attention to one child, usually my second right now. But my boys love each other so much, and it’s been so much better than I expected! I also relate to the sadness about never having a girl. We want a third, but realistically, there’s a very good chance I won’t be having a daughter. I loved hearing about my mom’s pregnancies and experiences as a new mother and I felt like we bonded in a whole new way when I got pregnant, so it makes me sad to never get to experience that one day with a daughter. But, I’ve made peace with it and of course I can never picture my family any other way!
Claire says
I rarely comment but I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed reading this honest post. We’re currently considering whether/when to have baby #2 and I identify with many of the things you say. Our first baby was really colicky for the first few months and I think it is impacting my ability to get excited for baby #2–colic is SO HARD.
Courtney says
Thank you so much, Claire. I’m sorry to hear you had to ensure colic, too! Hopefully baby #2 goes easier on you!! <3 Best of luck if/when that happens!
Fiona says
Love this so much! we are starting to try for our second baby and with 2 years of Post partum anxiety and depression under my belt plus a husband who works long hours and tries hard to be hands on but let’s say the baby phase wasn’t for him, I would be lying to say I’m feeling FINE…lol…like you most of my friends who’ve gone through it say you just eventually adapt but it’s so hard to look at my son and think GAH you’ won’t be my ONLY child any more, but HE NEEDS a buddy because mama can’t be 24/7 best buddies all the time. I worry so much about all that will change and continue to change in my marriage but I am trying hard to focus on what I learned the first time around and how to prepare the second and ways I can get my husband more involved (which pretty much means speaking up and asking for me ) Thank you for all your honest it means so much xo
Ann Christina says
Hi – I’ve been reading your blog for long time (first comment though). I have a 1 month old and an 11 and 8 year old (second marriage). This baby is way harder than my first two ( I think there is some colic involved). Anyway, I just want to thank you for this post and your old ones. I’ve been reading over your baby updates and it’s nice to hear that there is a light at the end of the tunnel regarding a fussy baby. I can completely relate to a lot of your posts and what you were feeling and experiencing. I thought that as a third time mom I’d have no problem, but babies are not all alike…that’s for sure ;)
Courtney says
Aww, thanks so much, Ann. I really appreciate your comment! :)