Well heyyyyyy there, friends. How’s Friday going so far for ya?
For me…so far, so good. After a quick, easy 2.5 mile walk this morning after breakfast, I showered up and got ready to head out quick. I wasn’t super hungry but knew I wanted a snack, so I made a few ants on a log.
As a side note…my peanut butter consumption lately is out. of. control. Seriously. I can’t stop.
About an hour later, I realized I was hungrier than I thought and was lucky to find a random Luna bar lurking at the bottom of my purse.
It went quite nicely with the impulse purchase of iced coffee I made while out and about.
Random side note…I attempted the sock bun again today and realized as I got home that part of my sock was peeking out…sock bun fail.
So today I was actually off to the mall in search of some much needed new jeans.
With this whole HA diagnosis and making the decision to put on a few pounds, let’s just say that my regular bottoms have slowly become more and more…uncomfortable. The last I checked, I think I was up to about 10 pounds gained, so no wonder the ‘ol jeans are getting a little snug. Ughh…trying to squeeze into jeans…talk about the worst feeling ever, right?
Well, the first place I went to had a pair of beautiful Miss Me jeans that fit perfect…but I had a feeling the $99 price tag wasn’t going to go over well with the hubs, so I put ‘em on hold and continued looking around.
Much to my surprise, I ended up finding not one…not two…but FOUR new pairs of jeans at American Eagle, of all places. AND they were all on sale for $29.99 or less. Score!
Pretty sure the last time I shopped there was last February. Who knew?
So I really had no idea what to expect when it came to what sizes I’d have to buy, and as it turns out, three our of four of my new jeans are two sizes larger, and one pair is one size larger than my other jeans.
Meh. Not gonna lie…I’m really not too ecstatic about it, but it is what it is and it’s not really a surprise, so I’m okay with it. Besides…I cannot even begin to tell you how much better I feel in a pair of jeans that actually fits me. I don’t care what size they are.
Talk about a difference…I can breeeeathe.
When I first started this journey, I was really having a hard time accepting a lot of things. I didn’t want to have to put on weight, and I never, ever thought I’d be okay with that. Now, almost three months later, I’m finding that things are, in fact, getting a little bit easier.
Of course, I still have days where I get angry/mad/upset/frustrated, and yes, I most definitely have pity parties for myself. Jay has witnessed them on more than one occasion, and it ain’t pretty, my friends.
But I have so many great people in my life (especially friends who have also gone through it, like Shayla, Ashley, and Chelsey) who have all been such huge support systems for me. They all told me I’d feel better once I went out and bought some new jeans…
Turns out, they were right. I do feel a bit better today. 
This story really resonates with me. I spent forever squeezing into too small jeans and it just made me feel miserable. Once I decided to get new jeans (I also didn’t want to spend a lot, so I went with AE too haha), I felt so much better. I finally felt comfortable in my body and I began to ignore the size number.
New jeans cure anything, swear! AE does have cute jeans, too, so nice pic! Maybe the MissMe’s for a birthday present?! I haven’t ever owned a pair, but now you’ve got me thinking….;-)
Something I do is remove the size number. That way, if I find a pair in my closet 2 years later I don’t think, “I wonder what size these were?” I just simply try them on, and if they fit, great. If not…back into the depths of the deep, dark, closet! Life is too short to worry about those darn numbers….the real test is a). how do you feel and b). learning to be confident and ANY measurement!
My peanut butter consumption has been crazy too!! I just had 3 rice cakes with peanut butter AND I had peanut butter in my oatmeal this morning as well as every other morning this week!
There’s nothing worse than tight jeans! I HATE tights clothes!<—-Enter yoga pants :)
You look great BTW :)
Hi! Long time reader, first time poster! I just couldn’t not reply to todays post! After seeing you mention ashley and shayla…I know them from a different.board we’re all on and I LOVE those two! I also read chelseys.blog:) anyhow, back to the point…I too had HA. Never was I “officially”diagnosed by my obgyn or my RE….my RE claimed irregular unexplained.ovulations. doesn’t matter, I knew what ot was and how to fix it. I am now 26.5 weeks pregnant with twin boys!!! I had to gain a LOT of weight to fix it (i wad at one point years ago wayyy under weight), but at a bmi of 21.5-22 (much higher now that I’m prego!) I conceived. Not sire of you’ve ever read the forum I’m talking about…about HA, but if you have I’m Lindsayann…the girls often refer to me as LA. if you haven’t seen that forum you should check it out….sooooo helpful. I’m an addict on there. I love everyone its such a great supportive community and I am thrilled to call a lot of the girls actual “friends”, many whom I feel more comfortable talking tmi information with than my.lifelong real life friends…heck I talk to a handful of them.via telephone too!
Anyone, kutos to you for what you’re doing. It is so hard at times….but it works and you’ll feel better in the end and be healthier than ever.
And, BTW, youre gorgeous….both inside and out!
Hey Lindsay! Thank you SO MUCH for commenting…I actually read that board ALL the time. I just haven’t come out and posted anything yet. I’m a lurker. ;)
Your story – and so many others on there – are SO comforting. Thank you again and congrats to you!!
I am going through the exact same thing right now and would love to know the URL of the board you ladies are talking about, if you don’t mind sharing!
LOVE YOU Linds! :) I thought it was you as I was reading this comment… and to my surprise, I was right!
:)Yay for Lindsay! Did the boys have sideburns and moustashes the other day? ;)
Ahhh Haha! Luckily no! Chelsey, I love your blog too! I am such an undercover blog reader! Id love to start one but guessing now isn’t the time as my life is about to be bombarded by bussyness! You seem to come to Chicago quite often??!! I love living here!
Awww LOVE you Lindsay!!!!! :) xoxo
Lovely new jeans and you look amazing in them too. I like you bought a nice selection of different washes, pretty. Have fun in your new rockin’ jeans. ^_^
So proud of you Court! I just love this post times a million and wish I could give you a big hug right now. Shoot, I wish I could go shopping with you! I’m going to need some new jeans here shortly too! ;) Glad you scored some awesome deals at the good ol’ AE! Better fitting jeans make a WORLD of a difference and boosted my confidence for sure. Do you know how long the sale at AE is going on for? I might have to check it out!
Thanks, lady ;) xoxo
Not sure on the jeans sale…I say, get there quick!
I’m pretty sure the sale at AE is going on until the 10th!
Hey Courtney!! Thank you for being so open about your experience, I can’t even begin to understand how hard it must be…but it is so great that things are getting easier!! Clothes that fit well are sooo important, so I am glad that you found some jeans :)…and at a great deal! I think I may have to stop by the good old AE (haven’t been there since high school!!) BTW, your sock bun looked cute too!
I completely agree! There’s nothing worse than trying to squish yourself into a pair of jeans that don’t fit well. On the flip side, a brand new pair of perfect-fitting jeans is a great feeling as well! :) I used to only purchase MEK and Silver brand jeans–but then realized that a lot off the cheaper pairs and brands fit just as well–plus it’s great to get 3 pairs for the price of one popular brand!
And having jeans that fit properly always makes a girl feel better! Your right…nothing worse than that uncomfortable feeling. And you’re looking fantastic, I’m sure I’m not the only one to say it! :)
Courtney, those jeans look great on you! Seriously, in all your pictures you look like you haven’t gained an ounce (if that helps at all)! :) You are so honest in your journey with HA, and I know you are a definite inspiration to many people when you share your story.
I have yet to try the sock bun, although it looks awesome. I have this nightmare that somebody will stop me at work (because I will have most likely done it wrong), and say really loudly in front of a lot of people….”Why do you have a sock in your hair???” Haha.
Girl, you look so good, you shouldn’t even worry if you gain another 50 pounds! But I know that really annoying feeling of going up a size or two – we are conditioned to hate that! Good for you for putting your health first because that’s what counts.
Also, I am so with you on the peanut butter front! I have been running out of things to put it on, so lately I’ve just been eating it plain with a spoon, womp womp :P
Courtney, well now you’re busted! Caught red handed you HAVE to join! You will end up LOVING it and thinking why the hell haven’t I joined forever ago! Join! Sooo ittt!!!
Girl you still look amazing!!! I am going through the exact same thing right now- its only been a month But ive already gained 5 pounds! Some days have been harder than others but There is nothing that I want more than to be a mom and I am willing to do anything to ensure that this happens! Congrats to you for embracing reality and taking control of your health! My husband loves my curvier booty so that’s a plus ;)
Ah I can totally relate, I just had to give in and buy bigger jeans also. It made me feel crappy at first but I feel way crappier wearing a pair of too tight jeans. You look great!!
I love American Eagle jeans. Another place I found that I really liked their jeans and the corresponding prices were at Charlotte Russe of all places. Good luck on your journey!
I love your honesty through this whole thing, it’s really inspiring. And I have to say, despite the fact that it’s been a LONG time since I shopped at American Eagle, their jeans are still some of my favorites!
You have no idea how helpful this post is. It’s like I’m reading my own thoughts!
All for a good cause girl. We’ll be okay! And btw you look fit and beautiful, 10lbs up or not. For real.
Here is the thing about jeans. I still hold on to jeans I wore 4 or 5 years ago and kid myself into thinking that they are supposed to fit. But when I think about it, my body has changed so much in 4 years and as as woman, it SHOULD! I think women put waaayyyy too much pressure on themselves when it comes to denim and you are so right, a pair of jeans that fits makes you feel 100% better. :)
You look fab lady!
Are you still working at the gym? Just curious because I haven’t seen mention of it in some time
Was your HA caused because of your body fat/weight being too low or were there other underlying factors? I don’t know how thin you got at a certain point but from the current jeans picture you seem to be at a perfectly healthy weight and it looks good on you. I hope that you can accept that you are a very beautiful woman 10 pounds heavier or not!! Besides, just look at it as practice for the day you do get pregnant ;-).
Love the new jeans on you! I have one pair of ms me jeans, which I found on sale. The sock bun issue made me laugh out loud. ;)
Courtney, I just wanted to say that you still look fit and hot!! I know it sucks, we are human AND we are female, and us girls unfortunately think about our weight a lot more than we should but it’s human nature:/ I myself, hold more muscle and weigh myself very rarely because the scale doesnt budge a lot for me. Sometimes it’s even more than I’d like it to be even though my clothes still fot fine…Lol but I really really honestly truly think you look awesome still!!!! I know we as women hold ourselves to high standards and get down on ourselves but please remember that you’re still beautiful:) AND I’m sure your hubby still feels the same and that’s all that matters right?! As long as your man is happy and still makes you feel beautiful, that’s all that matters:)) have a great weekend
So proud of you for buying some new jeans! Not only do they look perfect but you must feel ten times better now! Be proud that you are taking care of your body!!! This journey must be tough for you but I just know that it will all be worth it in the long run :)
The jeans look great!! I’m a big believer in ignoring sizes and just focusing on fit. A good fit will make you look slimmer than trying to squeeze into a smaller size.
Oh my goodness, what a beautifully inspiring post. I love your honesty in this. I love that you aren’t trying to put on a super happy facade, but that you admit that it doesn’t feel the greatest but that it’s still okay. You’re so incredibly strong, Courtney, and I hope that you realize that. There’s nothing worse than trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans that don’t fit. I went through the same thing when I was gaining weight, and a pair of uncomfortably tight pants could sour up my whole mood. It’ll all be worth it though :)
4 NEW PAIRS OF JEANS????? who CARES what size they are……4 new pairs!!! be happy about that : )
LOVE this post!! I know we talked ab this a bit over email but like you I have had trouble accepting the new “changes” lately. I bought myself some new size larger jeans this week also, I had success at the Gap. They feel good and look better than squeezing into the small ones!
See? This is why I can’t do the sock bun – no orange socks :) Well, there are orange socks but they would only work if I was a cartoon…
I told you that you would feel better after you got some new pants!!! It makes a WORLD of difference. I know it’s been a hard journey, but it will be SO worth it in the end, and you know it!!
i loved reading this post! going up sizes is always a tough thing.. but being stuffed into uncomfortable clothes that don’t look good simply for a number on the tag is just silly. feeling good & looking good are more important! and you are handling everything so well.. such an inspiration! :)
I just went to American Eagle recently after not being there in forever and I was shocked by how much of their stuff I liked! Those jeans look fantastic on you :) There really is nothing worse than uncomfortable jeans
Pants that fit ALWAYS feels better than trying to squeeze into a too small size. If anything, I feel even more unhappy with my body when trying to fit into too small clothing than I am when I have to wear a bigger size. Thank you again for your honesty about how difficult this is. It would very off-putting if you pretended it was easy all the time. Posts like these are so much more powerful and mean so much. Congrats on getting to buy new jeans! You deserve a nice reward for all the hard work!
If it helps I can’t tell you’ve gained one pound! I think you are super strong to handle this the way you are and you should be proud! You are beautiful! :)
Clothes that fit — even if they are a bigger size — are sooooo much better than tight clothes!
You do look great! You’ve got loads of support – keep up the real & inspiring journey :) Great idea, could do with a little jeans shopping myself – love it.
I love the post thank you thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.
If you don’t mind me asking with the few pounds you put on besides the mental part of how hard it is, how does your body physically feel from then till now?what have the changes been?
Thank you again for sharing your story
You look great Courtney!
Love this post. Keep doing what you’re doing, Courtney. You are truly a beautiful person and we’re all rooting for you here in the blogosphere. :-)
you’re going to be such a wonderful mom :)
Maybe the pity parties are a good sign, maybe they’re your hormones kicking in. Anyway, If I looked as good as you, I would be crying tears of joy !!
You know what, Courtney. I am so thankful you wrote these posts. I have not been reading your blog lately, but just decided to catch up. Thanks SO much for your honesty. I think more “healthy living” bloggers and readers struggle with this than you/they know.
I was in the same boat where birth control was masking the fact that I was not healthy. I, too, lost too much weight, but was still getting a normal period thanks to BC. When I went off of it, my periods stopped, for over a year. I went to numerous doctors, and no one could diagnose me. I have since gained 20 pounds (healthily), but still no period. I was just diagnosed with PCOS, and I am honestly just thankful for a diagnosis.
Thanks again for sharing your story. I know it can be hard to gain the weight (I’ve been there), but it is SO SO SO worth it in the end. Especially if you want to have your own little family! :)
you look great!!!! you are such an inspiration, honestly. i love that you took control of your situation and have shared your journey. i, like many other readers, lost my period as well and it was difficult putting on the weight, but i know i am in a better place now!
Glad to see you’re still taking it in stride Courtney!
At least a good buy on jeans is always nice. :-)
Ah I’m SO glad you found some jeans…finding ones that fit perfectly can be a nightmare but looks like you’re sorted for a while! After a long while of not wearing jeans purely because I hated the way the ones in my closet looked/fitted on me, I finally splashed out on 3 new pairs a few weeks ago. I don’t care what people say but retail therapy does work wonders and there’s nothing like good-fitting clothes to boost your confidence.
I know it’s easier said than done but please keep in mind the big picture…even though you’re gaining weight, you’re also gaining SO much more health-wise in the process which makes it all the more worth it. And honestly, from the pics you have put up of yourself recently, the added 10 lbs suits you…looks like the weight gain is a good thing physically too!
Great post! I am a long time reader going through a similar situation. And as you know the process is so.hard. Reading things like this only make it easier though and I truly appreciate these post more than you will ever know!
you are incredibly beautiful with or without the 10 pound weight gain (and i think we can all agree that if we looked as good as you do post weight gain we would be happy!). i can imagine this process is still extremely difficult though, and i commend you for going through it with grace and humor. hang in there… i hope you will be able to see how worth it this all was someday soon :)
How much did your doctor tell you to gain? At what point does it become more unhealthy to put weight on your body? Just curious! But I guess if you are trying to conceive you will gain weight regardless.
Thanks for being so open with your struggle. It must be so hard to see scale increase regardless what it’s for! :)
He said 5-10 so probably not that much more
I know exactly how you’re feeling. I got so mad with having to put on weight to get pregnant with Braedon and it really bummed me out at first to think of having to buy bigger pants. Then, when I actually did, I felt so much better (and looked so much better since I wasn’t squeezing into a pair of too small pants). You still look GREAT and so healthy in those jeans. Love them on you!
PS – I miss you.
It’s amazing how many people HA actually happens to. When it happened to me, I just got pregnant instead – a whole new reason to need new jeans :P
(Note: I’m joking about getting pregnant instead, I can assure you it’s what my husband and I both wanted!!)
I really don’t think size matters when you do feel great in jeans – you’re so right!! I totally have just been rocking lululemon pants throughout pregnancy, but I think I’m ready to try out some stretchy mat jeans soon!
I hear ya, girlfriend. I’ve been there! And who cares if they’re a size bigger… you’ll feel and look so much better in them, anyway. ;)
WOW- I can totally agree with this post! I just went shopping with my sister for new jeans a few weeks ago… I have gained 20 lbs since November (in recovery for anorexia and HA), so I def needed new jeans. It definitely is hard… But you’re right- you feel SO much better in jeans that fit! So glad you went out and got yourself some news jeans :) Look your honesty <3
Girl I know exactly how you feel! I’m gaining too and it’s so mentally challenging, but we need to remind ourselves we are doing this for our health and our jean size does not define us.
I want to have babies one day so I know I need to take care of my body.
You are doing amazing and I am so proud of you and honestly your acceptance has helped me accept I’m doing the right thing as well.
And ps. You look as beautiful as ever!!
GIRL, you’re a rock star. I’m so proud of you – and you’re absolutely inspiring so many girls out there. :-)
I can imagine how difficult / frustrating it must be for you to have to put on some weight and I can absolutely relate. I’ve been recovered from my ED for almost three years and I’ve put on almost 15 pounds. It’s crazy to think about how anxious and sad I was back then but, now, I feel so strong and happy! I’m still working on getting my period back naturally and have been lowering my intensity for almost two months and actually saw some spotting one day last week! I cried tears of happiness and called Cait right away. Haha! I know that I’m doing what’s right for my body and it feels damn good. :-)
I’m so glad you finally got some great fitting jeans. I can relate to the uncomfortable feeling. After gaining 20 pounds from my lowest weight, it was super hard for me to get new pants and clothing that actually fit. I had a few meltdowns after I realized this. And now I have to go through the process again, since I’m also experiencing HA. So I know this is going to be really hard for me as well, and I’m still having a hard time with increasing my food intake. Knowing it is getting a bit easier for you though makes me have hope that this process is worth it in the end. Why is it so tough? ugh.
I’m so proud you’ve followed this journey to a more positive and healthier body!!
I can’t imagine how hard it has been to experience this, but you have handled it very well. I’m inspired at how opened you’ve been about diagnosis and i’m proud of you that you’ve seen improvements! You still look GREAT!!! You still look teeny tiny in the picture with your new jeans. So, keep your head up!!! You look wonderful:)
You have such an amazing attitude. I cannot imagine what you have been going through. As women, we are programed to lose weight, from an early age. The thought of someone telling me I had to get bigger gives me some anxiety. If you don’t mind me asking, what have you been doing to gain the weight?
Thank you for sharing that with us- that is something very personal and felt privileged that you’d let us in on something so touchy like that. You’re having to gain weight so you can become healthier- so don’t see it as putting on weight but reaching your healthy weight- your old jeans- they were your unhealthy weight and they don’t need to be brought up again :P hahah.
THANK YOU so much for writing this post and sharing this experience. It means more to me than I can say. I am going through the same thing (with no one else I know who understands) and these posts really help me stay out of the dark places. thanks again! and FYI – You still look absolutely stunning IMO and judging from your pictures, it’s really not changing things aesthetically.