I’ve had the thoughts for a post like this on my mind for some time now, but I’ve yet to really give myself the time to truly think it all out and make it sound like I might sort of make sense.
In case you can’t tell by that first sentence, I still haven’t really done that. And I can’t promise that everything in this post will make sense. But that’s not what this blog is about anyway. I don’t have the perfectly curated blog posts or the beautifully staged photos, and that’s never what I’ve strived to be. Instead, I like it to just be me, in real life, speaking whatever might be on my mind at the time.
And today (and well, for quite some time now) it’s been mommy guilt.
To my fellow moms out there, I’m 100% sure you can relate to me on some level today, even though I’m also 100% sure we’ll all have completely different factors on what is driving that guilt. I know this from reading your comments and your emails. I know it from chatting with friends, and I’m also reminded of it daily as I scroll through my Facebook feed and see post after post shared by fellow mamas about the same things.
Being a mom is tough.
Mom guilt is real.
It’s the hardest job, but it’s also the most amazing and rewarding thing we’ve ever experienced.
They’re all true, and I think that’s why so many of us are drawn to those types of posts. We eat them up because it reminds us all that we’re NOT alone and that we’re all somehow trying to figure out how to manage it all (or at least, what we can) in this incredibly difficult yet amazing stage of life.
I often wonder if this is how our moms felt. Did they get all too consumed by the struggles of motherhood and trying to figure out just how to make it all work? Are we all just being whiney and needy moms, searching for the answers to it all while striving for something almost unattainable at times?
Certainly, I don’t think we’re all whiney and needy, but I do think that so much of our guilt is self-inflicted and most definitely a result of what we see on social media. You know…the stuff we’re all too engrossed in each and every single day? Yep, that’s me…and I’m sure it’s likely many of you, too.
But that’s not to say that all of the mom guilt is a result of what I see on social media. Take the other day, for example…
The mom guilt started as I dropped Lucas off at daycare. There was a mix of me feeling terrible for having to drop him off at daycare and not spending all day with him, combined with the guilt of actually being okay (most days) with being a working mom.
———Truthfully, as much as I have days where I would LOVE to be a SAHM, I’m just not sure I could do it…and be good at it. I enjoy my time outside of the home and most of the time, I do believe that my quality time with Lucas trumps quantity. But even still, it’s hard. Especially when I see all of the fun activities SAHM’s are doing during the day with their kiddos. No matter which side of the fence you’re on (working mom or stay at home) you’ve got your challenges and nobody’s should be seen as worse/harder/easier. We’re all in it together.
There was the mom guilt of seeing a beautifully photographed bento lunch box for toddlers on Instagram, filled with organic this and that and full of fresh produce. Then I got to thinking about how Lucas’s lunchbox (even though it’s also a super cute bento box!) was filled with nothing organic, not a vegetable in sight (because he barely ever eats them at daycare), and a PB&J sandwich for the third day in a row.
———-Then I got to thinking about how chatting with friends and coworkers off of social media remind me that this is totally normal and there is nothing wrong with feeding my child a freakin peanut butter and jelly sandwich. No, we can’t afford to buy all organic, but we do our best with what we can.
Then there was the guilt of cleaning up and doing the dishes after dinner, along with wiping down the counters, instead of sitting and playing. As I listened to Lucas call to me from the living room to “come sit and do puzzles, Mommy!” after a dinner full or arguments to get him to eat, I really just wanted to take the extra 5-10 minutes to attempt make some sense of the disaster in the kitchen. In peace and quiet.
———–Thankfully, even though Lucas has always been a mama’s boy through and through, I still have an incredible husband who will step in and at least attempt to keep everyone happy – even if all Lucas wants is mommy. I need to remind myself that I can’t always be by his side and that independent play is also a good thing.
*****************
Honestly, I could go on and on about the many times during any given day where the mommy guilt sets in. And don’t even get me started on the second child guilt (although, I will say, it’s been a LOT better lately than it was a few weeks ago). But I think we all know the feeling.
I guess all of this is just to say…mom guilt is real. And it can be easy to feel like you’re failing. But just remember, you’re not failing. And you’re not alone. We’re all in this together.
So whatever the source of your guilt is today, just know that someone else is probably struggling in the exact same way. As long as our kiddos know we’re doing the best that we can, that’s all that matters. <3
Justine says
Courtney, another great post. My son is 6 months old, and I can already relate. I am a working mom, and I honesty enjoy being one…only to feel guilty admitting that to most people. When I say my son goes to daycare, some people say oh, well I’m lucky I could stay home with my kids. I could stay home, but, I want to work…and that can make me feel guilty too. And, like you, some days I rather clean the kitchen and do bottles in quiet than bath time and books, and feel guilt over that too…lol. Fortunately like you, my hubby will step in and take over those days,too. I do love my son though so much, and feel forever blessed for having him in my life. Thanks for being real.
Brynn says
Thank you for sharing and being so open. I’m taking my first week long trip for work and have mixed emotions leaving my son. So this came at the perfect time. But I know I’m doing the best I can and loving my sweet son as much as possible – and that’s enough.
Katie Bearden says
This is such a great post. I’m a stay at home mom to two boys and I ecerowrience guilt too. My husband travels every week for work and with no family nearby it’s make sense for me to be home during this season. I don’t enjoy every moment though and I feel guilty. I also don’t have a perfectly clean home and we don’t buy all organic either. I lose my patience and some days long for my old job.. But then I snap out of it and remind myself this time will pass and life will look different in a few years. It’s hard this stage.
My mom didn’t do everything perfect.. She was a working mom and then SAHM and then part time mom who did her best. I don’t remember the meals or house but I remember her spending time with me.
You are a great mom!
julie @ peanut butter fingers says
Loved this, Courtney! I think SO much mom guilt stems from comparing. When I was all worried and feeling guilty one day, my mom said, “If all you had to look at was your baby and your doctor’s feedback, how would you think you were doing?” That helped me a lot since I do believe Chase is a happy, healthy baby and our pediatrician echoes these feelings. It’s when I start comparing my mothering and his progress to others that I start to feel like I’m failing. This is a great reminder that ALL moms struggle with these feelings… Even you who I think is a FANTASTIC mom!! <3
Julie says
That is such an amazing way to look at it! Thank you for sharing that!!! I am definitely going to remember that since sometimes I feel like my world revolves around how far along my baby is compared to other babies!!
Marie says
I loved what your mom said! What great advice! I didn’t have my mom in my life, so while the mommy guilt sets in, sometimes I wonder if I would have been more equipped had I had a great example of a mother in my life!
Julie says
Wow, such great advice from your mom! You are lucky to have such a wise mama to turn to for advice.
Courtney says
Thank you, my friend! And the same goes to YOU, too! Chase is so incredibly lucky to have you as his mama! ;)
heather @Fitncookies says
I can definitely relate. I actually was a SAHM for the first 4 months. Then, I just couldn’t see myself doing that and got a part time job. It has been amazing for my piece of mind. It’s nice to have other people to talk to and not just baby talk all the time. It makes the days I am home with Annabelle (and nights and afternoons!) even better because I don’t see her all day long. I feel guilty saying that, especially to SAHM’s. Also, we don’t buy organic. We just can’t afford it and it’s ok. I try to pass off all those perfect lunches and such on Instagram and FB and tell myself it’s not the whole picture. You are doing amazing with Lucas
Fiona says
Oh gosh love this post so much ! Since becoming a mom in July I feel like all my days are filled with mom guilt … From wanting my own space to not always attending mom baby groups to being diagnosed with PPD it’s been a daily struggle to feel like I’m doing okay and my mom just laughs at all the stuff we worth about because they didn’t have all the information we did or ‘rules’ to follow and I think that’s the take home message – just do your best and there is no right or wrong but what works for your family! Thanks for this awesome post and even through the Internet it’s nice to know we are all in it together
Alaina says
I could have written this myself….Thanks for helping us working Moms through the tough times!
Courtney says
You betcha, Alaina ;)
Marisa says
Great article!! My question for you is how did you decide to go from teaching to a business type job? I teach kindergarten and often think I would love to go do something else and leave education-but then how do I give up my summers and winter break/spring break that I already have with my kids?? Was this a hard decision for you?
Courtney says
I definitely do miss the idea of giving up summers and breaks when I left teaching, but I don’t miss it one bit. The job I have now is so much more flexible throughout the entire year (as opposed to being completely off for a summer) so I remind myself of that often. It was certainly tough at the time to make such a big transition, but I’m 100% happy with how things have turned out!
Em @ Love A Latte says
Such a great post! I absolutely struggle with mom guilt. I don’t dislike being a working mom, but I do feel guilty being at work during time I could be with my son. I do wish I had more time with him and I very often remind myself it’s about the quality of the time because that helps me. I struggle when I get home from work between wanting to make a nice dinner and clean the house a bit just so things aren’t a disaster, but then really I just want to be playing with my boy. It’s a tricky balance, but I think it has so much to do with my mindset. I try not to be too hard on myself. I do find if I stop the comparison game with other moms it makes a huge difference.
Courtney says
You’re right, it definitely IS a tricky balance!
Julie says
I definitely feel guilty for not feeling guilty (if that makes sense) on going to work everyday. If anything I MISS my baby sooo much- but guilty I do not feel. He has a pretty nice life all in part to the fact that he has two working parents who provide for him. And on the weekends when I see how exhausting and how much hard work goes into FEEDING and taking care of a baby, I realize that however much I miss him all week I am definitely not cut out to be a STAHM
Courtney says
That absolutely makes sense, Julie!!
Janelle says
This is such a fantastic post and once again reminds me why you are one of my favorite bloggers. Being a working mom as well, I find your posts to be so relateable and honest. Like you, I like being a working mom and I don’t think that I have the patience to be a SAHM. I try to focus on QUALITY of time vs. quantity, but of course, the mom guilt creeps in, especially when I find myself making comparisons on social media.Also, being that my daughter is close to Lucas’s age (just turned 3), I can totally relate to the melt downs and battles… which leads to MORE guilt if I find myself yelling or getting upset! Thank you for always writing open and honest posts and keeping it real!
Courtney says
YES to the melt downs leading to more guilt out of getting frustrated. It’s a tough cycle!! Thanks for sharing your experience too, Janelle!
Marie says
This was such a great post, Courtney! I love how real you are and it’s one of the reasons you’re one of my favorite bloggers even though time hasn’t allowed me to keep up with many blogs these days. You’re right though, working or not, we all have that mommy guilt and I think it’s definitely exasperated by social media and comparing. Thank you, also for not putting a rift between working mothers and SAHM’s. I see opposing sides all the time but I feel like we all should be in this together as we have the same end goal, no matter how we go about it…job or not. You’re a wonderful mom! Thanks for this post!
I learned this quote from church a few weeks ago. “Comparison if the thief of joy.” Theodore Roosevelt
Courtney says
That’s one of my favorite quotes and always such a great reminder!
Lauren says
I related to SO many of the things you pointed out!! Specifically about enjoying my time away from home at work and especially the after dinner scenario. Sometimes I feel like I should wait to clean up the kitchen so I can spend a few minutes with my son, but I’ve come to realize that it just makes me super stressed out to have to cram that in with other things after he’s in bed. We have such little time to sit down and just BE and we all need that time to be good parents. I try and focus on spending QT with him on weekends and during bedtime. Thanks for this!!
Courtney says
All SO true, Lauren! Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, too!
Samantha says
Thank you for his post! It is so true for me on many levels. Just lay night I struggled with the same guilt of cleaning up and taking some time to unwind while my two year played and asked me to come in the other room with him. It’s a constant battle of emotions being a mother, but it is so unbelievably rewarding. I’m so happy to hear your second child guilt has started to dissipate because that’s something that has me terrified to start trying for baby number two, despite the fact that my son absolutely adores babies! It’s always nice to read posts like this and I appreciate how down to earth and real your blog is!
Courtney says
Thanks Samantha – and thank YOU for sharing your personal insights, too!
Jessica Molstad says
Wow, This was so good to read today. I agree that we all struggle with mom guilt. And it sucks, but we need to remember Galatians 6:9 “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up”.
Hang in there, surround yourself with support and we will get through this stage of life!
Courtney says
That was great, thanks so much for sharing, Jessica :)
Summer says
I really needed to read this – so unbelievably timely. It is so reassuring to know that other mums are facing similar guilt and we are all in it together. Thank you so much for sharing : ). You have made me feel less alone!
Courtney says
Aww I’m SO glad to hear that, Summer! :)
Catherine @ foodiecology says
Courtney,
You’re doing a great job with Lucas and I’m sure you will be a fantastic mom to baby #2 as well.
I could’ve written this post. I work outside the home…and I’m a better mom because of it. Like you, I focus on QUALITY over quantity of time with my son.
My son currently eats PB&J, hummus and guac…that’s it! We’ve never bought organic (unless it’s on sale or looks better) and we’re just fine.
Moms all feel guilt (I think it’s universal), but with blogs, Instagram, etc I think it’s worse. Just look at Lucas’ smile and know you’re doing a great job!
Courtney says
Aww thanks so much Catherine. And props to YOU too, from one fellow working mom to another!
Shel@PeachyPalate says
My friend has just gone back to work….sending her the link to this! I know she’ll appreciate it!
Courtney says
Thanks, Shel!
Melissa says
My daughter isn’t that old yet, but I already feel guilty for not spending more time with her doing real activities (but I stay home) and that I feed her things with sugar or processed stuff. Thanks for addressing the SAHM vs. working mom thing with tact. I have read soooo many things on blogs lately about working moms thinking staying home would be amazing or vice versa and I’m just so tired of it. The grass is NOT greener, just a different color green.
And thanks for addressing the ridiculous perfect bento box movement. I am so tired of seeing those Pinterest lunches! Who has time for that? I think if a kid eats and it’s not that bad for them, you’re doing an awesome job!
Courtney says
Thanks Melissa! I totally agree that I’m so over the “who has it worse” when it comes to working moms vs SAHM’s. We’ve all got it tough, and that’s that! And AMEN to a celebration if the kid eats anything at all, lol ;)
Suzanne says
love this post – thank you! I have teens and feel the guilt all the time about all kinds of things…even still about food as they are not great veggie eaters and I completely blame myself and worry they will never eat cooked veggies (some raw and salads are it for them :(…my husband tries to encourage me as he is so much more accepting of things…he tells me ‘hey- at least we don’t lock them in the closet…we are doing ok’ ; )
It absolutely helps to know we are not alone…that no one does it perfectly regardless of what may present itself on the outside….I love the quote you have ‘behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she is screwing it all up’! That is ME – my kids are fantastic….but I often feel it is in spite of me – not because of anything I have done well… I am learning to be easier on myself though and have faith that they will recover from whatever ‘screw ups’ I have done :)
Courtney says
Thanks so much for sharing, Suzanne. I often wonder what the guilt will be like and how it will change as the kiddos get older and this was interesting to read! And I think your husband is right – we ARE all doing okay ;)
Amanda says
Love this!!! We can’t hear this message enough! Keep sending out those positive vibes, mama!
Courtney says
Thanks, Amanda!
Morgan says
Great post as always! You’ll be great as a Mom of two, thinking of you – hope the last few weeks fly by for you!!
Courtney says
Aww thank you, my friend! I’m so sorry we still haven’t gotten together…we need to at some point!! Hope you’re doing well, xoxo :)
JenG says
WOW…best post ever!
I’ve been struggling with this daily lately. I don’t think I could be a SAHM, but do wish we had 1 more weekend day together. The evenings and weekends go by so fast and there is so much i want to do with our little guy. I feel like i miss so much while he’s at daycare yet i’m amazed at how much he learns there.
Courtney says
Thank you, Jen! And YES I agree, one more weekend day would be AMAZING!!
Haley says
Mom guilt is no joke! This is a funny comedy skit that my Pastor showed before his Mother’s Day sermon: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FQnE64OF8f4
Courtney says
Oh my gosh, that skit was incredible!! Thank you so much for sharing, Haley!
Jessica says
Courtney:
What a heartfelt and authentic post. I always love how grounded, insightful and balanced you are. I wish I had my head on as straight as you do at your age. I am quite a bit older than you and still have mommy guilt with my 11 year old daughter. But, I can tell you as an outsider “looking in” on your life for the past several years you have nothing to worry about! You are doing a splendid job! It’s virtually impossible for you to step outside your life and make a reasonable assessment of things – but I can! By every metric that can be measured you are building a wonderful life and making all the right choices for you and your family. I hope that by sharing your feelings you are able to release them and feel better – let that negative energy go and use it to pat yourself on the back – you are absolutely awesome and your blog provides a wonderful tool for other mothers to follow!
Courtney says
Aww you are always so sweet, Jessica. Thank you SO much for your kind words <3
Julia @ Drops of Jules says
I’m not a mother, so I don’t if any of this will carry weight, but I wanted to offer my encouragement and support. You deserve the world, Courtney, and I can tell through every post that you’re going to rock the mom of two gig you’re about to embark on. Those boys are blessed to have you.
Courtney says
Thanks so much, Julia :)
Crystal D. says
This is all so true! I am so glad you did this post. I think us moms need to talk about this more and realize that we aren’t perfect and no one is. Even the moms who post the perfect bento box lunches does things that makes them feel the mommy guilt. They just may not put it out there for everyone to see! I love real talk. I love the real pictures posting that life is not perfect. Thank you so much for this!!!! I think you are doing a wonderful job as a mommy! We all are!!!!
Laura says
Great, now I feel guilty for not feeling the constant “mom guilt”. ;)
Bianca S says
There are so many moms out there (including myself) who feel this way. This was wonderful to read and I am sure the majority of your readers can empathize. You seem like an absolutely fantastic mom and I hope you’re not too hard on yourself. This post actually really reminded me of a book I recently read called “Where’s My Award? How to Get Baby Barf Out of a Red Carpet & Other Tales from a Working Mom in Hollywood” by former stand-up comedian turned celebrity publicist Margot Black (http://margotblack.com/). It is such a funny and heartfelt read about balancing work, family, and play in Hollywood. I obviously can’t relate to her crazy celebrity lifestyle but it is amazing to read how she handles all the obstacles that come her way (she really did have to get baby barf out of a red carpet!). All moms know the struggle! It’s a must read and I think you will really enjoy it.
Courtney says
Thanks so much for sharing that, Bianca! :)