Well, today marks the end of my 12 week maternity leave and it’s my first official day back to work.
Granted, my situation is a bit unique right now; the daycare the boys will be starting at doesn’t have their slot available until next week, so I’m technically working from home for about a week for now. I’m sure it will be a long few days, but we’ll get through…even if we won’t be able to leave mid-morning to head to the playground.
So next week is when all of the real transitions begin. New daycare, new school, back to work in the office, crazy schedules…and I’m not looking forward to it.
If you guys have been reading for a while now, then you probably already know that I’m really bad with change. It takes me a long time to adjust (or re-adjust) to things, and that’s just always how I’ve been wired.
When I had to go back to work after having Lucas, I was an absolute wreck for weeks leading up to it. I would rock him to bed at night and cry, and cry, and cry. The mom guilt was heavy, and honestly, I’m not sure it has ever left?
Although the mom guilt is still there, this time around has been a bit different. If you had asked me six weeks ago how I felt about going back to work, I would have told you that I was longing to be back at work. I was really struggling. I just wanted to be with adults. I craved a sense of normalcy and routine. And I wondered how anyone could ever manage being a SAHM.
The first six weeks of having Alex home were downright HARD, and even though things still aren’t a walk in the park, they have slowly starting getting easier. We even made it out of the house to go to the playground just the three of us on Monday and I could hardly believe it went completely smooth. #momwin
So this time around, I haven’t found myself sitting and crying at night like I did the first time. Sure, there have been some tears here and there, but I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I haven’t had the time to just sit and “think” about things like I did before. Being at home with both kids all summer has kept me busy (to say the least), and the end of this maternity leave absolutely snuck right up on me.
September is just going to be hard.
Our schedule is going to be crazy and there is going to be a lot of adjusting for everyone. Lucas, our “threenager,” who is already emotionally fragile these days (while also being a crazy, funny, wild man), is not only starting at a new daycare, but he’s also going to be starting preschool two mornings a week. We’ve attempted to ease him into his daycare one morning a week for the past few weeks, and those drop offs have been somewhat disastrous. Somebody does not want to leave his mommy…
But I know with 110% certainty that he needs to be out of the house and around other kids, and is absolutely ready for school, so I feel confident with him starting at these things. But that doesn’t make me feel any less guilty about him having to go through more transitions (on top of having to adjust to being a big brother and being potty trained).
Not to mention the fact that his overly emotional mama (you know, the one that’s horrible with change) is also a bit sad to lose her buddy that she’s been home with for almost three months now. See? Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree…
Then there’s Alex. My sweet Alex who is very aware of who his mommy is and tends to favor me over others. The situation with Alex is a bit different because, for the time being, Alex will only be going to daycare part time and will be staying home with me the rest while I temporarily work from home part time (long story short – the daycare only had one spot available so they’re both splitting it, and I’m on waitlists anywhere else). I’m sure that he’ll be fine, but it’s always so hard having to leave them when they’re so little and so dependent on you.
So then there’s the question that I’m sure many of you are wondering and the one that I’ve been asked many times: so why don’t you just stay home with them?
Well, here’s the thing…for one, we just work better as a two-income family. But on top of that, I’m not sure I’m ready to give up having a job outside the home. Is that said with 100% certainty? No, but for now, I still think being a working mom is the best option for me.
And for the longest time, I thought that made me a horrible mother (you know, actually not hating being a working mom) and that’s where the guilt lies. That I actually enjoy some of my time away at work and around adults, and that I’m able to contribute financially to our family. But honestly (most of the time) I feel like I’m a better mom because of it; because I’m able to truly value the time we do have together and I find myself with far more patience.
Now I’m in no way trying to go all stay-at-home mom vs working mom. Listen, we ALL have our guilt and our struggles, and nobody’s situation or feelings on their situation should be disregarded because being a parent is freakin’ hard no matter how you cut it. We can all agree on that, right?
I’m sure some could look at my own work situation and think that I have it “easy,” while others would feel sorry for me. It’s all about perspective. Honestly, I know that I’m pretty lucky to have what I have, but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard and that I don’t feel guilty about 101 things.
So these next few weeks are going to be tough. As I adjust to being back to work and attempt to balance work/two kids/husband/home/meals/blog/fitness/life/etc… As Lucas adjusts to his new daycare and preschool…As Alex adjusts to his new daycare…As Jay and I try to remember who goes where, when, and how they’ll get there…And I’m going to try very hard to remind myself that this is just yet another phase that we’ll all have to work through together and it’ll just take some time to find our groove again.
Right? Oh, I sure hope so.
Heather @Lunging Through Life says
Good luck with heading back to work! I know it’s at home for a few weeks but I think that’s even harder with little kids around! I’m sure it’s going to be a huge adjustment but I know you’ll find out what works for you guys. Are you still going to be part time? Not by much though, ha. I actually think you’re completely justified for enjoying work. I thought I’d love the SAHM gig but by 4 months I just needed something and luckily found a part time job that is close by and gets me out of the house 3 days a week, where I can interact with others! It honestly saves me and I’m a much better mom for having that time out of the house. I LOVE my days I’m home with her but adult interaction is really nice ;)
Brynn says
I can completely relate. Mitch started daycare three months ago. The change, guilt, and stress work hard. But now were in a groove. And the more kids go to daycare the more they understand the routine. Give yourself time, work together and remember at the end of the day all that matters are those two little boys and your happiness.
Theresa says
Hi Courtney,
Long time reader, but first time commenting. Thanks for sharing your struggles. As a mom of a high-needs one year old, I also crave the “adult” time I get at work (ironically I consider teaching seventh grade my adult time). I think it’s also an identity thing – yes, I’m a mom, but I’m also an adult with a job who has responsibilities outside of providing for and taking care of my child.
Again, thank you for consistently sharing a realistic portrayal of motherhood. The highs are so high, but the lows are low, too. It is refreshing to know I can come to this space and see that my feelings are common ones shared by other moms.
Suzanne @ Life is a Mix says
It’s all hard. I was a working mom for the first 4 years of my first child’s life and I’m currently a stay at home mom(for 7 years now!!) but they both have their challenges and sacrifices. For me, the pull of being away from my kiddos was just too hard and my heart was sad every time I left them. I also worked in a very demanding, not family friendly field so that made my decision a bit easier.
However, being a SAHM definitely isn’t a walk in the park. To this day, I miss interacting daily with other adults and being able to contribute financially to my family. My husband has a good career but we still sacrifice financially when it comes to some things. It’s worth it, but not always fun!
I say you just have to do what feels right to you NOW! Working may be what you need in your life for now and in a month, a year, or never you may decide that staying home is what works.
Good luck on your return! Love on your babies and enjoy those snuggles when you get home at the end of the day!
Monica says
Hang in there. You’re doing great. And yes, we all have the Mommy Guilt. No matter what our situation is. You’re not alone.
Kristen says
Im at working mom and its so so hard. I feel for you as I remember the first couple of months back were a really big adjustment for me and our family with all the feelings of guilt mixed in. When I went back I thought I would be adjusted after a few weeks and it took far longer, I think you have a really realistic outlook and expectations and hopefully that will help to ease the transition. Good luck and thank you for this post, I love hearing/reading about other working moms!
Kelli @ Hungry Hobby says
That seems like such a hard spot to be in but ultimately, you have to do whats right for you and your family. I’m a firm believer in that! I also think you don’t have to be set in stone for anything you can decide whats right and then change your mind and go some other direction! Things may change, they may stay the same but as long as you do what you know is right for you then you are the best Mom they could have!
Jenna Carelli says
I can totally relate, but from a different perspective. We have decided that I’ll be staying home with Madison and leaving my corporate position. However, I’m going to be running my online health and fitness business full time from home. I am having mom guilt because I’m trying to balance working at home and playing/caring for my 7 week old. It will be tough, but you’ll get through it. I only have one baby. I can’t imagine two! All moms are rock stars
Brittany says
Sending you lots of good thoughts as you head into this new transition… I’m glad that you know what you need to be the best Mom, and are also aware that could change! It seems like you have realistic expectations for yourself and your family, which hopefully will help! I too HATE change and usually try to avoid it as much as possible, but somehow we always find a new groove–even if it takes awhile :)
Erin m. says
Good luck with the transition. I can’t imagine what you’re going through but just wanted to let you know that people care :)
Emily says
I’ve read your blog for years now…I actually think this is my first time commenting. Maybe second ? Anyway, I can absolutely see that you are a wonderful mother. The love you have for your kiddos shines through your words and pictures. The truth of it is that what they need is simple: your unconditional love. You are providing that, and that is enough. The rest is just details. I believe that the most important thing we can do for our kids beyond that is to love and take care of ourselves. A well-balanced, happy mommy means we listen to what we need and trust ourselves. Whether that means being a SAHM or a working mom is different for all of us.
I am a part-time working mom of 3 crazy girls. To say I need regular breaks from them is an understatement. Mothering is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I’m working on giving myself more grace each day.
I really think the transition is going to go better than expected. You have a beautiful family?
Jesscia says
I’ve read your blog for a few years now, but I think this might be my first time commenting. I can relate to you so much as I am a part-time working mom of two girls, 4 and 3 1/2! We too live better with my income. It is such a hard decision deciding to stay home or work, but for us we are lucky enough to have jobs where we can work our schedules our to avoid daycare and have family help a bit.
I’m sure we could make do with one income and sometimes I wish we would go this route, but that would mean being stretched thin and unexpected bills would hit us hard. Plus as kids get older I want to be able to have the extra money for them to do activities. The mom guilt is rough though, I feel guilty even when I have to leave them with my husband or mom! It is also hard to be outside the home and still have things run smoothly, I feel like I’m always behind on housework and rushing to get dinner together.
Good luck transitioning, I do not do change well either.
Kori Tedesco says
You’ll do great, Courtney! I had the EXACT thoughts, feelings and guilt going back to work with gavin (my 2nd). I was actually ready to be back at work, which made me feel bad too. Things with baby #2 are so much different than the 1st. I was also excited to stop breastfeeding gavin too, for my own selfish reasons (wanting my body back to myself). Once you get back to work and get a routine down things will all fall into place. But just know that we (working moms) all had the same anxieties and feeling of guilt. Hang in there! You are not alone!!!!!!!!!!!
Bethany @LuluRuns says
I can only imagine where you are coming from. I am 40 weeks and 3 days pregnant (but whose counting ;) ) and either way, I know that being a mom is going to be hard. But, it’s going to be a beautiful kind of hard.
My husband and I decided to have me stay at home (while working from home- blog/coffee business.) and while I am excited about that, I know there will be sacrifices that come with our decision.
I’ll be thinking about you in these next weeks ahead! You are doing a great job!
Kristin says
This post just gave me all the feels. It’s a shame we don’t live closer, we’d really get along in real life! I went back to work after my second baby was born a couple months ago. I did part-time until next week when I resume full time schedule again. I’m not adjusted yet, and she’s not adjusting to the babysitter, so the transition has been TOUGH. I think it was harder this time than it was with my first, and I’ve been a working mom for 2.5 years! All transitions are tough, but everyone eventually adjusts (at least that’s what I keep telling myself). There are pro’s and con’s to both staying home or working, but in the end we do what works best for our families, our financial situation, and our sanity. If money wasn’t an issue, I’d love to be part time all the time. But I know my son loves and thrives at his “school” and that it’s good for my daughter to get used to other people taking care of her other than me. The guilt is always there, I always wonder if I’m making the right decisions and if I could do something better, but I think that’s just the essence of motherhood.
I’ll be thinking of you the next few weeks! It’ll be tough but eventually, it’ll be your new normal and you’ll get into a new swing of things. Whatever you do now doesn’t have to be permanent either – maybe things will change next year, who knows! Just know you’re a great mom and your kids will thrive! :) Good luck!
Fiona @ Get Fit Fiona says
I hope as a family you’re able to figure out the transition back to work and daycare. Changes are tough no matter what the situation.
Jackie says
Courtney, thank you for writing this and for being so candid! As a soon-to-be mom of 2, I can totally relate to everything you’ve written here. With my first son I developed bad PPD when I went back to work. I am so scared of that happening again when I go back in a few months, but I’m trying to find peace in knowing I’ve done this before, that the anxiety of change is (mostly) temporary, and when to ask for help. Even though I hate that other moms have this same stress, it is validating to know we’re not alone and we can do it! You’ll all find your groove! :)
Janelle says
You are without a doubt my favorite blogger. You have a way of writing about life/motherhood that describes it so accurately. You write about a difficult time in your life in such an honest way. You don’t sugar coat everything, but you also don’t complain about everything. You describe the good and the bad. I can also really relate to your posts because I have a 3 year old and number 2 on the way in March and I am also a working mom that cannot imagine being a SAHM, but feel guilty for being a working mom! At the end of the day, I know I am doing what works for me and my family and I know my daughter is happy, healthy, and loved. And because I work, we are able to put her in activities, go to fun events on the weekend and take vacations. (It’s also nice to know that I am using that Master’s degree that I am in student loan debt over! ;-) ) Like you said, I think I am a more patient mom and value the time I spend with my daughter because I am a working mom. But then there are days when I am having a particularly slow day at work and I think to myself, “I could be spending this time with my daughter.” There will always be Mom Guilt, right? Good luck with the transition of going back to work and adjusting to your new normal! You will find your groove, even it takes a few months!
P.S. Off topic, but another reason I love your blog is that I am from Buffalo, so I can totally relate when you complain about the winter weather (especially fun when you need to bundle up babies/toddlers!) Also, I can relate to your woes of being a devoted fan to a football team that doesn’t often have a winning record! (But at least you guys have made it to the playoffs in the last decade!) Haha. GO BILLS! ;-) (But I’m sure we are cheering for each other’s team when they are playing the Patriots!)
Julie says
Oh, boy, I can only imagine how tough it must be to go through this. You are so strong, though, and I know your family will adjust. Kids are so resilient, and ultimately I think Lucas will love being around other kids most days! Much as I wish I could spend more time with my son, I also love that he goes to day care, because he has thrived in that environment and shown us how much he loves it. Now I LOVE hearing about his day and his friends and the fact that he has a little world outside of our home and family. It’s such a bittersweet part of parenthood.
As for work, I feel ya. Part of me wishes I could stay home, but I know it’s not what’s best for my son, our new little one due soon, or our family. In the long run, two incomes, two careers, two working parents is the right choice for us, too. I hope the transition is a smooth one for you; just remember that it’s okay to have bad days and that you have quite a support system behind you!
Fiona says
Ugh right there with you girl on this WHOLE post. We are super lucky with our mat leave in Canada, so I’m 100% NOOOOT complaining and I tip my hat to you moms in the states, your system is BONKERS…but I do know I struggled with going back to work, dealing with PPD/PPA and worrying I would feel even worse going back, but luckily my son loves daycare, and being back at work has made me feel more balanced. I just told myself, okay the next few months will be a SH*T show and just go with the punches, I don’t do well with change either, but look at how well you’ve done with two kids and balancing that new mom phase, so give yourself some credit, line up a lot of ice cream and wine and some MOM time lol…that’s my only saving grace. You’re so strong and an awesome mama to those two boys, they are so lucky to have you :) XO here with you
Kacie says
You can do this, momma!! Sometimes, for me at least, the anticipation of the change is worse than the actual change itself. Just remember to go easy on yourself. You’re doing a LOT and it will take time for everyone to get in a new rhythm. And if there are lots of pb&j’s, skipped baths, and skipped workouts along the way, do not feel bad about any of it!!
Erin says
So much love to you!! It’s hard any way about it, but you WILL find your groove again, promise. I know what you mean about still enjoying work – I love being a part-time working mama. Days and weeks and months are FLYING by because of how much going on and being coordinated, but when it all works? I feel like a BADASS. Will be thinking of you and your family. You’re doing a GREAT job!
Alyssa says
I feel for you. I returned to work from my second maternity leave at the beginning of August. For the reasons you said, I was expecting it to be so much emotionally easier, and it was…but not the cakewalk I was expecting. Leaving a tiny baby just sucks. It was still hard. And is still hard, but getting easier. There’s just so much prep involved…when the kids are finally asleep and I’m washing bottles, cleaning, trying to prep everything for the next day because I know the morning will be utter madness, I wish I was back on maternity leave. But I’m generally happy with my job and proud to contribute to our family and set an example of a strong working mom for my sons. However, I’m sitting here pumping, and turns out I hate that just as much as I did the first time around. Best of luck! You will be fine. Transitions are hard, but you’ll get through it and to your new normal before you know it!
Alyssa says
Oh and I love all the “you’re going back to work with TWO kids? why not just stay home??” Ummm because I have a mortgage and love don’t pay the bills?
Marissa says
I was so grateful when I found your blog a year or so ago, soon after returning from maternity leave with my first, as I was SO sad about it, and many of my friends are SAHMs and most blogs I read are moms who work part time from home if at all. It’s been really helpful to read about your experience as a working mom, and I can relate to so much. I’m very lucky to have a very understanding and flexible boss, and a job I enjoy for the most part, but I do work full time, and continue to have mixed feelings about it. Some weeks I am grateful for the outlet it gives me, I’m proud of how I can help take care of our family financially, and I’m thrilled to see my son thriving at daycare. Other weeks I feel like I barely see him, and I’m missing too much of his life. Baby #2 is due in a few months, and I’m already struggling with what our lives will look like then. I’ve long debated trying to work part-time, but there are some issues that complicate that, too. I also struggle with change, and spend a lot of time anticipating and worrying about it, which is not the best scenario!
In the end, kids only know what they know, and they know you’re their mom and you love them, and I’m sure they will both do great in daycare/school!
Erin Lorello says
I am not yet a Mom but I love your blog and will be sending support up to NY from NC! Keep doing your best, you are inspiring!
Melissa says
Courtney, I just have to thank you for being SO REAL and honest. So many mom blogs I read just kind of gloss over the hard stuff.
I’m a SAHM and always felt that was cut out for me better since I never even had a job I really liked. My husband’s job moves us often so having to start over in a job all the time is not something that appealed to me. The hardest thing about motherhood is all the transitions. Even though I’ve stayed home, we lived in three different cities in the past 15 months, also the first 15 months of my daughter’s life. Having to live in so many different places has been rough and not having the friends or family around to help just plain stinks.
I love that you know working is good for you. It stinks that you feel guilty about it. Probably for the same reasons I feel guilty or “spoiled” for being able to stay home. I hate that people paint a negative picture, no matter what choice you make. SAHM just spend money and sit around all day and working moms “ignore their kids.” It’s so dumb because none of it is true at all!
I’ll pray for you for your September! You are such a good mom, someone I look up to as a rolemodel. It’s hard now but you will figure it out. And don’t be afraid to just cry and eat some (or all of the) ice cream. <3
Tory says
Omg! In Canada we get 1 year maternity leave. That must be so hard :(
Julie says
Working mom here! 3 girls at home and pregnant (huge surprise) with number 4. Here’s hoping it’s a boy! Have you ever considered looking into getting a nanny? We have a nanny and not only does she take care of the kids, but she takes care of me!! She does all of our laundry, my house is spotless when I get home and all of my girls love her. She organizes playdates with other nannies and we sign our 2 year old up for library classes and music classes so she gets the social interaction that you lack when you don’t go to daycare. Why not look into it? Also for us, it was actually cheaper paying for a nanny than paying for 2 at daycare.
Jen says
Just keep going with the flow girl! You got this!
Katie says
A little behind on commenting, but I went back to work in June after maternity leave with my second. Like you, I just didn’t have the time to think about it like I did with my first. I was like “I’ve done this before! I got this!”…then I cried into my ice cream and wine every single night for the first week after getting reports that my sweet, happy baby was fussy and “nearly inconsolable” all day :(
BUT after just a few days, things got so much better with the baby. She LOVES her childcare providers, and we just generally got into a better routine. It’s still hard, and I still question my decisions often. Like you, I actually enjoy working, but just wish I could somehow be with my kids and at work simultaneously (will someone get on that??).
I tell myself that it’s working for now, and it if ever isn’t…we will figure out what is best for our family. Big hugs to you. Be kind to yourself during the transition!
Courtney says
It sounds like we’re totally on the same page!! Glad to hear that things are getting better for your daughter as well now :)
Have a GREAT day, Katie!