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Stricken with Grief

By Courtney 130 Comments

I’m sure many of you are visiting the blog today expecting to see a recap of our Christmas. Up until a few days ago, I would have assumed the same. However, there is a lot that has happened over the past few days.

Back on December 23rd, Jay had gone, as he usually does, to visit his dad at the nursing home. I was working from home and told him I’d have dinner ready and see him in a little while. As the late afternoon and evening went on, I got a few texts from him saying he was going to be late. He said that his dad wasn’t doing very well, but that they assumed it was due in part to dehydration and a mix of medicines he was on.

Lucas and I continued our evening as normal, I put him to bed, and checked in again with Jay. He said he still didn’t know how late he was going to be, but not to wait for him for dinner. Around 10pm, I checked in again and he said he’d be home eventually.

I eventually wound up falling asleep but awoke around 1am to see he still wasn’t in bed. I texted him and he answered quickly, letting me know he was downstairs and would be up in a minute. He came up, and that’s when he informed me that it wasn’t just dehydration that his dad was experiencing. He had become unresponsive and they had been told by hospice care that his dad only had about 24-48 hours left to live. I was shocked, dumbfounded, and at a loss for words.

I’m sure many of you know by now that my father in law, Tom, hasn’t been well. But what I haven’t mentioned is that he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and given a prognosis of about 3-5 months, which was back at the end of September. Actually, we found out the same week we also found out we were expecting our second baby.

Despite the prognosis, my father in law had begun to do very well. He was gaining his strength back, doing PT a few days a week, and we had all started looking at getting him started on chemo, since he was finally making progress and getting strong. Then, literally within a matter of days, suddenly here we were.

We woke up on Christmas Eve morning not quite sure what to expect. Not long after breakfast, Jay was about to head out to over to the nursing home, with the plan of me meeting up shortly after. He got a phone call just before leaving, and his mom told him that hospice had come in and said that his dad was declining fast and was likely going to pass that day. That moment made my stomach drop harder than I can ever remember, and I sat there hugging Jay, not quite knowing what to do or what to say.

Jay left, I hurried and got myself ready, dropped Lucas off at my parents’ house, and rushed over to the nursing home. Many of Jay’s uncles and aunts had stopped by, and I was glad to see that he and his mom weren’t alone. We all spent hours at the nursing home that day, just waiting for the inevitable, although not quite knowing when that was to come. The staff at the nursing home was incredibly sweet to us all, and brought us carts of food for both lunch and dinner.

Around 6pm, shortly after finishing a grilled cheese and chicken noodle soup, I started feeling conflicted. I wanted to be there for my father in law, for my family, and especially for Jay. But it was Christmas Eve, and even though he really didn’t know it, I felt like I needed to get Lucas. I needed to put him to bed in his own bed, and I wanted to try to maintain some sort of normalcy for him. So shortly after that, I left to go get Lucas from my parents’ house and brought him home.

It was close to his bedtime by the time we got there, but we still did our “tradition” that we started last year of his one special Christmas Eve gift from Franklin our elf (Christmas PJ’s and a new book).

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I took a video, sent it to Jay, and then it was time to put Lucas to bed. Not knowing what was going to happen on Christmas morning, I figured I’d continue on as I would have normally. I put together the food for our Christmas breakfast, and I brought up all of Lucas’s presents from Santa.

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After that, I sat on the couch for a little while, not quite able to concentrate on much of anything. I texted Jay to see how things were going, and when I didn’t hear anything for about 15 minutes, I started to worry. Just a few long minutes later, Jay called to tell me that his father had passed.

I immediately called my mom and asked her if she could come stay at the house because, despite the fact that Jay told me not to worry about going over, I knew I needed to be there. My mom made it over at lightning speed, and soon enough, I was able to meet up with Jay and the rest of the family who remained. We stayed for another hour or so, I really can’t remember. We said our final goodbyes, we cried some more, we said prayers, and then at some point, we went home.

I asked Jay what he wanted to do about Christmas morning. Should we cancel? Postpone? Carry on? Despite the fact that we were all hurting so badly, a part of us knew we had to try to push through for Lucas.

So we had our Christmas morning. It wasn’t an easy one, especially when one of the first people that Lucas asked for that morning was Papa T… but Lucas and this smile helped us through it all.

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My mother in law stayed with us that night, and my parents and brother joined early enough so they were there when Lucas came downstairs. We all had breakfast shortly after opening presents, and then continued to watch Lucas play and have a blast with all of his new toys.

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The big hit of the morning for him had to be his new trampoline…finally something for him to exert all of his energy on this winter.

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After a quiet afternoon, we went to my parents’ house for a few hours to open presents and have dinner.

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Then shortly after dinner, Jay left to go and be with his mom, and Lucas and I went home. I put him to bed, and sat quietly for a while.

Had it not been for Lucas, I doubt we would have even had Christmas the way that we did. But looking back on the day, I am honestly amazed at just how strong of a man my husband is. And my mother in law too, for that matter. Despite everything that had just happened and all that they’d been through less than 12 hours before, he managed to put it all aside to make it a special morning for his family. I mean, seriously, I am just blown away and inspired by him.

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This Christmas didn’t have much in the way of pictures; in fact, I was surprised that I had the few that are here in this post. And honestly, it really didn’t even feel like Christmas.

To put it bluntly, this Christmas was awful. I’m sad, I’m hurt, I’m angry…all of us are a lot of things right now. We lost an incredibly great man on Christmas Eve, and I have a hard time putting into words just how it feels. But what I do know, is that it’s unfair. It’s so unfair.

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Christmas 2014

Although I will say, Jay’s aunt said something on Christmas Eve while we were all with Tom, and it has really stuck with me. She described everything that was happening as a wonderful gift. To not only have him not suffering any longer, but also to have him pass on Christmas; a day with so much special meaning. Sometimes, thinking about that really helps, and other times it doesn’t. Whether or not it helps though, it did help put things into a slightly different perspective, at a time when I was stricken with grief.

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Christmas 2014

Later this week, we’ll have the services for my father in law, and I’m not quite sure how often I’ll be back here. A part of me wants to try to continue on as “normal” as possible…whatever that new normal is…because I know he’d want that for all of us. But, regardless, how do you follow up a post like this? I guess only time will tell.

I want to thank you all for your prayers, positive thoughts, and well wishes for my father in law and our family over these past few months. We have been incredibly grateful for all of them, and they have not gone unnoticed.

I hope you all had a fabulous Christmas/holiday, and since I’m not sure when I’ll be back, I’ll wish you all a wonderful, happy, safe new year as well. <3 xoxo

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December 28, 2015 Filed Under: Family Tagged With: christmas 2015, family, father in law, grief

About Courtney

I'm a working mom of two beautiful little boys, Lucas and Alex, and I began writing Sweet Tooth, Sweet Life in April 2010. I enjoy chronicling my love of food (healthy and indulgent!), baking, motherhood, fitness, fashion, and everything in between!

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Comments

  1. Melissa says

    December 28, 2015 at 6:10 am

    So incredibly sorry for your loss. That's a beautiful picture of Lucas and him that he will have forever.
    Reply
  2. Renee says

    December 28, 2015 at 6:23 am

    I'm so sorry Courtney, losing family is never easy especially around the holiday. Spending you and your family thoughts and prayers. You did the right thing in keeping it as normal as you could for your little guy <3
    Reply
  3. Molly says

    December 28, 2015 at 6:45 am

    I'm so sorry for your family's loss. I was too young to remember but my Grandma passed on Christmas Eve. A couple years back I asked my dad how he handled Christmas so well and he said the spirit of Christmas truly lies in the hearts of children and that is what really helps him. He said it's a bittersweet time of year but also a special time to remember special people. You and your family are in my prayers.
    Reply
  4. Suzanne says

    December 28, 2015 at 6:50 am

    I'm so very sorry for your loss. Sending love and prayers to you and your family!
    Reply
  5. Stef traynkr says

    December 28, 2015 at 6:51 am

    Courtney, I am deeply sorry for your loss. It is so incredibly hard to go through this and I too am inspired by your families strength through it all. I think it's beautiful Lucas' happiness shined a light on the otherwise sad day. Only time heals, but it always does. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family as you get through this hard time. Just remember that he is not as far as you think, and with you and your family every single day.
    Reply
  6. Melissa says

    December 28, 2015 at 6:59 am

    I'm keeping you and your family close in my thoughts and my sincerest apologies for your loss.
    Reply
  7. Kathryn says

    December 28, 2015 at 7:00 am

    I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you, and Jay's family. It's so hard losing someone this close to a special day. 2 years ago, my father-in-law passed away unexpectedly, and it happened the day before my daughter's birthday. Now every year her birthday starts off bittersweet, as we all remember our loss. It's also a mixed blessing. We have to continue to live our lives in order to make my daughter's birthday a normal one each year. Once again, I'm sorry for your loss.
    Reply
  8. Erin says

    December 28, 2015 at 7:21 am

    I am SO sorry for your family's loss. I was just in tears while reading this. Jay was such an amazing father to his own child this Christmas, I am sure his father would be so proud. I went through something similar 6 years ago when my Grandmother passed so close to the holiday. In some ways it didn't seem right to celebrate, but like you, I had a 3 year old son who still needed Christmas. Now that we have has time to heal I pull out her Christmas decorations and tell stories about her. I am sending you and your feeling healing thoughts and prayers to get through such a difficult time!
    Reply
  9. Brynn says

    December 28, 2015 at 7:22 am

    I am so sorry for your loss, my heart is breaking for Jay and your family. Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.
    Reply
  10. Samantha says

    December 28, 2015 at 7:28 am

    My sincere condolences to you Courtney, and to Jay, your mother-in-law and Lucas. What incredibly strong people you all are. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
    Reply
  11. Kristie W. says

    December 28, 2015 at 7:33 am

    My heartfelt condolences to you, Jay and his family on the loss of his father.
    Reply
  12. Shel@PeachyPalate says

    December 28, 2015 at 7:40 am

    I'm so sorry for your loss! Its never easy and this time of year just makes it all that bit harder. Kids help pull us through, they're there for a reason...it's a reason to get up and get on with things, for want of a better description a silver lining in all the misery. Make sure to keep looking after yourself xxxx Thinking of you all.
    Reply
  13. Laura G. says

    December 28, 2015 at 7:42 am

    My condolences!! Absolutely heartbroken for you! Stay strong and your family will be in my prayers!
    Reply
  14. Erin @ ErinHonor.Wordpress.Com says

    December 28, 2015 at 8:06 am

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing someone is always a nightmare, but when it happens during the holidays the pain is just exacerbated. I think it's so wonderful that you guys decided to go forth with your holiday festivities. I think that in these situations, the best thing that we can do for a love one that has passed is seizing the present day and trying our hardest to find the light in the darkest of situations. Sending you and your family all of my love and positive energy<3
    Reply
  15. Chelsea Cross says

    December 28, 2015 at 8:10 am

    I'm so sorry for your loss. My best wishes and prayers go out to you and your family. It must have been so hard but you can in fact know that because of you and your strength, Lucas's Christmas was still a good memory and you have the smiles to remind you of that.
    Reply
  16. Diana S says

    December 28, 2015 at 8:12 am

    I am so sorry, Courtney. Sending love and prayers to your whole family. This is a beautiful post.
    Reply
  17. Fiona MacDonald says

    December 28, 2015 at 8:13 am

    I'm so so sorry for your loss, may you have strength and love surround you during this difficult time. xo
    Reply
  18. Erin M. says

    December 28, 2015 at 8:17 am

    I am so sorry for your loss, Courtney. I am thinking of you and your family. I cannot imagine how you and Jay are feeling at this difficult time.
    Reply
  19. Amy says

    December 28, 2015 at 8:19 am

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine this loss, and will be thinking about your family.
    Reply
  20. Irene says

    December 28, 2015 at 8:22 am

    I am so sorry for your family's loss. It is so clear from your writing that you and your husband are both from close, loving families. I lost my sister at the beginning of December ten years ago and it still hurts every Christmas (and lots of other times, of course). As time passes it seems to me that it is both the most horrible and wonderful thing that life just keeps happening despite a terrible loss. Horrible because it is painful to go in without someone you cherished but wonderful that you eventually heal enough to enjoy the precious memories you have.
    Reply
  21. Lauryn says

    December 28, 2015 at 8:23 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers!
    Reply
  22. Alyssa says

    December 28, 2015 at 8:24 am

    My heart breaks for you! Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers! The picture you have of Lucas with his grandfather is beautiful! Such a beautiful memory captured for him to treasure always. Much love to you and your family!
    Reply
  23. Michelle says

    December 28, 2015 at 8:27 am

    Please accept my heartfelt sympathies for your family's loss. My thoughts are with you and your family during this time <3
    Reply
  24. wendy bair says

    December 28, 2015 at 8:32 am

    My thought are with you. I have been through several losses also in a short period of time. You get through it but never over it but you take with you the memories and be thankful for the time you had and know he is no longer suffering and live your life as you know he would want for all of you.
    Reply
  25. Nicole @ Simply Nicole says

    December 28, 2015 at 8:34 am

    I'm so sorry for your loss! Thinking of you and your family.
    Reply
  26. Alyssa @ Renaissancerunnergirl says

    December 28, 2015 at 8:41 am

    Condolences to you and your family.
    Reply
  27. Rebecca says

    December 28, 2015 at 8:43 am

    My condolences to you and your family. It must have taken incredible strength to push through and have a 'normal' Christmas for Lucas. You're in my thoughts.
    Reply
  28. Brittany says

    December 28, 2015 at 8:43 am

    Thinking of you,Jay, and your family during this heartbreaking time. Your strength as a family is inspiring. May you find lots of happy memories to reflect on in the coming days ❤️
    Reply
  29. Jess says

    December 28, 2015 at 8:43 am

    I am SO sorry to hear this. Wishing your mother-in-law, Jay, you, and your whole family peace at this very difficult time. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
    Reply
  30. Erica says

    December 28, 2015 at 8:48 am

    Oh Courtney and family, I'm so sorry for you incredible loss. Your post is all too familiar to me, unfortunately, as my father in law passed away this past January 19th (2015) after a 4 year battle with stage 4 kidney cancer. He passed after Christmas, but the last 3 months of his life were spent in and out of the hospitals. We spent last Thanksgiving at the hospital to try and help his symptoms, the month of December doing much of the same all while rapidly declining. Then on Dec 30th he got up in the middle of the night by himself to use the bathroom and he fell and hit the bathroom wall and broke his neck. So our New Years was also spent in the hospital. There was nothing "normal" about any of it, and as much as we tried to salvage parts of the Christmas season for our kids, it was just like going through the motions...I think it was for them too, though, in a way. They knew things weren't good, and declining quickly. So as I sit here reading your blog, I know exactly how you're feeling--especially how you struggled with the "who do I go to, who needs me more-my kids or my husband..." I went through the same thing and handled it much like you did. Tried to straddle the line of both...all while my heart was breaking for all of us. Hands down the worst part was telling each of our kids that their Papaw had went to be with Jesus; even though we know he was whole and healed at the very second he crossed into Heaven. I'll be praying for you and your family...it's the only thing that has gotten us through. It's been a tough year, but we've made it...and you will too. Hang in there, girl. Sending lots of love and big prayers your way from Missouri <3 <3
    Reply
  31. Heather says

    December 28, 2015 at 8:56 am

    My heart breaks for you. My father in law also passed in February with stage 4 cancer. We also found out he had it in October 2013, when I just found out I was pregnant with our first baby. I truly feel your pain. Just know he is in a better place and always looking down over you and your family. <3 sending love
    Reply
  32. jen says

    December 28, 2015 at 9:01 am

    I am truly sorry. My heart aches for all of you... Thoughts and prayers for you all. Take care.
    Reply
  33. Lauren says

    December 28, 2015 at 9:04 am

    Praying for you all...I can't imagine how hard this has to be for you all. <3
    Reply
  34. Christine says

    December 28, 2015 at 9:05 am

    Courtney, I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you, Jay, and with Jay's family. I wish you peace and comfort during this difficult time. This is a beautiful post, and I admire all your strength. <3
    Reply
  35. Lisa says

    December 28, 2015 at 9:20 am

    Courtney and family, I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
    Reply
  36. Carol T. says

    December 28, 2015 at 9:26 am

    Courtney I am so sorry for the loss of your father in law... My thoughts and prayers are with you...God bless you and your family.
    Reply
  37. Ellen @ My Uncommon Everyday says

    December 28, 2015 at 9:30 am

    I am so, so sorry for your loss, Courtney. It's incredibly hard to lose a family member so suddenly and even more confusing when it's around such a typically-happy time. My great-grandfather passed away several years ago, and then we all turned around and celebrated my younger cousin's birthday the next day to maintain some normalcy for her. You all showed such strength this weekend. My thoughts are with you all. Beautiful post.
    Reply
  38. Kelli Shallal says

    December 28, 2015 at 9:31 am

    I'm so sorry for your loss, your family is in our prayers.
    Reply
  39. suzanne says

    December 28, 2015 at 9:31 am

    I am so sorry to hear about your father-in-law's passing...it is heartbreaking at any time, but the holidays seem to compound the feeling. It sounds like he was an incredible man who played a vital role in your family. My aunt passed away on Christmas day a few years ago...it was painful but I too, was comforted by the fact that it is one of the most profound days to pass...portals are open, it is a gift for the one who is passing...and of course - I knew she was out of pain as well. Much love and light to you and your family....
    Reply
  40. Dena says

    December 28, 2015 at 9:36 am

    I'm sure Lucas was the saving grace this Christmas for all of you. So sorry to hear of your father-in-law's passing. It sounds just like what happened with my BIL a few years ago. He seemed totally fine and then was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer (GBM) after constant headaches and he passed 2 months after diagnosis. It was beyond comprehension! Prayers for your entire family and I hope your wonderful memories can bring some kind of comfort during this difficult time.
    Reply
  41. Jen says

    December 28, 2015 at 9:37 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. I am thinking of your family at this difficult time.
    Reply
  42. Jessica says

    December 28, 2015 at 9:38 am

    I am so sorry for the loss of your Father-in-Law. I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Just know that you are all loved from near and far.
    Reply
  43. Mallory says

    December 28, 2015 at 9:51 am

    Thinking about you, Courtney! I'm so sorry for your loss.
    Reply
  44. Lisa says

    December 28, 2015 at 10:03 am

    So sorry to hear about this difficult time your family is going through. Although there is no "right" way to handle these situations, I think you did so very gracefully and were a wonderful wife and mother to those who needed it most. Sending positive thoughts and best wishes your way.
    Reply
  45. Jill says

    December 28, 2015 at 10:04 am

    Courtney, I am so sorry for your family's loss. I will keep your family in my prayers. Our dog passed away early on Christmas morning this year, and while that's certainly no comparison to losing a parent, I understand the feeling of grief at Christmas. Take as much time as you need and soak in time with your family.
    Reply
  46. Melissa says

    December 28, 2015 at 10:05 am

    So sad and sorry to hear this. Sometimes life just plain sucks, and this is one of those times. I hope you find comfort and healing. Sending prayers.
    Reply
  47. Brie @ Lean, Clean, & Brie says

    December 28, 2015 at 10:06 am

    I am so sorry for you loss Courtney. My thoughts & prayers are with you & your family during this tough time.
    Reply
  48. Monica says

    December 28, 2015 at 10:26 am

    So very sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for all of you. Sending prayers of strength and comfort.
    Reply
  49. Johanna says

    December 28, 2015 at 10:27 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. Loss at anytime of year is devastating but at Christmas time it adds a different element. Your Husband and his mom seems so strong. I'm not sure how they could face the day as well as they did but I'm sure your Father-In-Law would want his grandson to have a great day. God Bless!
    Reply
  50. Danielle says

    December 28, 2015 at 10:27 am

    I'm so, so sorry for the loss that you, Jay and family are experiencing. It is completely unfair. Please take the time that you need.
    Reply
  51. Lisa says

    December 28, 2015 at 10:39 am

    Courtney, I'm so sorry about the loss of Jay's father. Take all the time you need to heal. Your followers will be here when you are ready to return. God bless.
    Reply
  52. Nikki Wilson says

    December 28, 2015 at 10:40 am

    I am so, so sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Much love, Nikki
    Reply
  53. Katy @ Savor Life's Flavors says

    December 28, 2015 at 10:54 am

    I am so sorry. I am 28 and I lost my dad after a long battle with type 2 diabetes last September. I shut down. Nothing in the next few weeks will feel "normal" but the worst thing I did was stop blogging. I later realized how important the blogging outlet is. I needed a place to vent, put my feelings into words and get support. I know how hard this will be but know we are all here.
    Reply
  54. Heather Montgomery says

    December 28, 2015 at 10:56 am

    I am so sorry for your loss, and at such a hard time of year. My father in law passed from cancer 5 years ago and it was tough on my husband. It's so hard as a wife to know how much they want you to "be there" for them, or to back off and leave them alone, etc. Big hugs girl! Praying for yall.
    Reply
  55. Katy H says

    December 28, 2015 at 10:57 am

    So deeply sorry for your family's loss. I know no words can really help right now, but just know that we are sending love and prayers your way.
    Reply
  56. Ashley says

    December 28, 2015 at 11:08 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. As a longtime reader, I teared up reading this. Hugs to you and your family.
    Reply
  57. Shelly says

    December 28, 2015 at 11:09 am

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Prayers and thoughts with you.
    Reply
  58. Torry @ A World Without Wheat says

    December 28, 2015 at 11:13 am

    I am so sorry for your loss Courtney - I wake up every morning and read your blog first thing and have for years. I know how close you and Jay are with your families and I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this and at Christmas time too. I lost my mom about 9 years ago now so I know how it feels - I am so happy that you have Lucas and he was able to bring you all some joy and smiles during this hard time. Sending hugs your way from Chicago and will be thinking about you in the days to come
    Reply
  59. Kaylin@EnticingHealthyEating says

    December 28, 2015 at 11:19 am

    Sending so much love to you and your family, Courtney. Especially Jay. I lost my father to stage 4 cancer this past March and it was the hardest 5 months I had ever been through in my life. My biggest piece of advice is to never forget the memories from past, but carry them on into even happier memories into the future. Talk about Papa T often and remember what joy he brought to your lives. Keep them alive in your hearts and they'll be here forever. :)
    Reply
  60. Catherine @ foodiecology says

    December 28, 2015 at 11:21 am

    Courtney, I am so deeply sorry. My prayers and thoughts are with you and Jay. I can't even imagine your sorrow and all the mixed emotions you all are feeling. Although I wish it didn't come at your loved ones' expense, thank you for putting my sadness over a Christmas that didn't go as I'd planned into perspective. Family is EVERYTHING. Little hiccups are nothing compared to sharing time with family. Although you will grieve and you will always miss your father in law, I think it's so special that you and Jay gave Lucas his special time. I'm sure your father in law was there in spirit, too. Take care of yourself and take the time you need. We will all be thinking of you.
    Reply
  61. Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says

    December 28, 2015 at 11:28 am

    Sending love and strength dear :(
    Reply
  62. Chelsea says

    December 28, 2015 at 11:36 am

    So sorry for your loss. Sending lots of prayers and love.
    Reply
  63. Tricia says

    December 28, 2015 at 11:42 am

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Praying for you and your family during this time!!
    Reply
  64. Erin says

    December 28, 2015 at 11:48 am

    I am so sorry for your loss, Courtney; I will keep your family in my prayers. Also, please know that you are also an incredibly strong person, and I know you will get through this incredibly hard time.
    Reply
  65. KatieTX says

    December 28, 2015 at 11:56 am

    I should not have read this at work...this is so, so sad. So sorry for your loss. As if losing a parent is not hard enough, having it associated with Christmas (a typically joyous time), is so devastating. Comforting thoughts coming your way :(
    Reply
  66. Heather @ Life In Leggings says

    December 28, 2015 at 11:57 am

    Oh my gosh, Courtney, I'm so sorry. Dealing with a loss in the family is hard, especially around this time of year. It sounds like Jay's dad was an amazing soul. Take as much time as you need, everyone will be here when you get back! Sending lots of prayers to your family and virtual hugs to you. xo
    Reply
  67. Megan says

    December 28, 2015 at 12:10 pm

    I just wanted to send my condolences to you and your family. My dad passed away very suddenly in November and it is an incredible loss. Experiencing the holidays when the grief is still so new is a strange experience, but having a little one (my daughter is 3) helps you know that life must go on and also to see the joy in each day and I'm sure that would make your father in law happy. It is also completely okay to still experience joy in the midst of grief! Take this time to be with your family and know that it will be a bit of a roller coaster of emotions for a while, but also let it be a time to enjoy the memories and look at pictures and share stories with friends and family to remember what a special person your father in law was.
    Reply
  68. Catherine says

    December 28, 2015 at 12:10 pm

    My thoughts go out to you and your incredibly brave family. X
    Reply
  69. Rachel says

    December 28, 2015 at 12:19 pm

    I'm so sorry, Courtney. Thinking of you guys!
    Reply
  70. Susie @ Suzlyfe says

    December 28, 2015 at 12:25 pm

    Courtney, there is nothing that any of us can say to make this any better, smoother, or hurt less. I just want you to know that you have a great many people around you (near and far) that care about you and your family, have LONG been readers, and who will be here to support you in any way that we can. Please know as well that we are all thinking of you and of Jay. I know that this Christmas was not the Christmas that you would ever have asked for, or to have such a terrible event happen on Christmas, but I am glad that you had Lucas there to live you up and give you a few moments to smile. I am sure that Tom was there with you all to surround you in love.
    Reply
  71. Julia @ Lord Still Loves Me says

    December 28, 2015 at 12:28 pm

    Sending all my love to you Courtney. I'm so incredibly sorry for your family's loss.
    Reply
  72. Kayla says

    December 28, 2015 at 12:29 pm

    So sorry for your loss, Courtnew and Jay. I wish I had something better to say; my Opa had a stroke on Christmas Eve 2006, and while it was terrible, I relish the fact that our last real memories were of fun and togetherness for the holiday. Treasure the good you had with Papa T. He no doubt is resting in peace, watching over you all. Love, light and prayers to you. <3
    Reply
  73. Megan says

    December 28, 2015 at 12:55 pm

    I am very sorry for your loss! Thoughts are with you and your family. Losing a loved one on a holiday is hard. We lost my father in law last Thanksgiving 2 weeks before our first child was born.
    Reply
  74. Carrie says

    December 28, 2015 at 12:56 pm

    Oh Courtney, I'm so sorry. Sending hugs and prayers to you and your family.
    Reply
  75. Fiona @ Get Fit Fiona says

    December 28, 2015 at 1:05 pm

    Your family are in my thoughts.
    Reply
  76. Katie @ Talk Less, Say More says

    December 28, 2015 at 1:16 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. There really aren't words to say but you and your family are in my thoughts. Several years ago, my grandma passed away days before Christmas and a few years later, my grandpa passed away days before Thanksgiving. It's hard because you want to celebrate the season but you're mourning the loss of someone you love. The positive (if you can say that?) is that every year around that time, I think of them. Of course I think of them often but I think of them even more so that time of year. It's comforting to me.
    Reply
  77. Taylor says

    December 28, 2015 at 1:40 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. I cried reading your whole post...Jay's dad seems like such an amazing person who will never be forgotten.
    Reply
  78. Tosha says

    December 28, 2015 at 2:02 pm

    There's never quite the right words for a situation like this so I'll just pray! May the new year bring comfort, love and much happiness.
    Reply
  79. Emily says

    December 28, 2015 at 2:25 pm

    I'm so sorry for your loss Courtney! I will be sending you and your family lots of positive thoughts.
    Reply
  80. Kristy @ Southern In Law says

    December 28, 2015 at 3:04 pm

    Oh Courtney, this post broke my heart reading it. I know how you must be feeling because I've been in similar shoes.I can't imagine how much harder it would have been not knowing how to keep Christmas relatively normal and festive for Lucas whilst feeling so broken at the same time. Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way <3 xo
    Reply
  81. Alycia says

    December 28, 2015 at 3:34 pm

    I'm so so sorry. Hugs to all of you! And though it didn't feel right at the time, you did the right thing by carrying on as normal for Lucas. He loved Papa T and can continue to love Christmas in a way that will remind him of the photos you have of 2014!
    Reply
  82. julie says

    December 28, 2015 at 3:35 pm

    I'm so sorry to hear this, you must be heartbroken.
    Reply
  83. Erin says

    December 28, 2015 at 3:58 pm

    I am so very sorry for your family's loss and for Lucas's loss of his beloved Papa T.
    Reply
  84. KIM says

    December 28, 2015 at 4:06 pm

    Thoughts and prayers to your family during this time of need. Cancer sucks.....its affected my family right now too.
    Reply
  85. Ashley @ A Lady Goes West says

    December 28, 2015 at 4:18 pm

    SO very sorry to hear this Courtney. Praying for strength for your family during this time.
    Reply
  86. Tara says

    December 28, 2015 at 4:36 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.
    Reply
  87. Amelia @i_heart_kale says

    December 28, 2015 at 4:41 pm

    Courtney, Thoughts, prayers, and hugs to you and your family, especially Jay and his mom. I read this earlier this morning as I was waiting on a class at the gym and I'm sure everyone was wondering why I was welling up with tears It's so incredibly hard to lose anyone, especially during the holidays. Love to you!
    Reply
  88. Kattreena says

    December 28, 2015 at 4:48 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss, Courtney! Your family is in my thoughts and prayers! <3
    Reply
  89. Jen says

    December 28, 2015 at 5:00 pm

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family.
    Reply
  90. Ashley says

    December 28, 2015 at 5:47 pm

    I am so, so sorry for you and your family's loss. May your memories bring you comfort during this trying time. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
    Reply
  91. Cristal says

    December 28, 2015 at 5:57 pm

    So sorry for your loss. Can i please make a suggestion I hope you can read to Jay. My mom lost her mom and her sister. She decided from day 1, to start a journal. It was nothing professionally written, some things were written in crayon if thats all she had at the time. What she did was at any moment when a memory came to her.... she wrote it down. She said sometimes she would watch tv and it could be a commercial, or a person, or a shirt someone is wearing, literally anything can bring back a memory. She didn't want to forget anything so she would just write everything down, sometimes even point form. After 3 years she has this beautiful big book of memories. Some are good, some are funny, some are random... But now she doesn't forget. She looks back and if she didnt write down half her memories she would have forgotten most of them because as much as we hate to admit, our brains dont remember everything. Just like you with this blog, same sort of idea. I hope that maybe it will be a good suggestion for him in remembering, and with healing. xoxoxoxoxo big hugs to u, jay, and ur whole family Cristal**
    Reply
  92. Jennifer says

    December 28, 2015 at 6:34 pm

    I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'll be keeping you and your family in my prayers.
    Reply
  93. Angie says

    December 28, 2015 at 6:54 pm

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending lots of love and prayers your way.
    Reply
  94. Maureen says

    December 28, 2015 at 7:04 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is hard, but so close to the holidays makes it even worse. Sending prayers for peace to you & your extended family.
    Reply
  95. Laura M. says

    December 28, 2015 at 7:12 pm

    I am so sorry for your family's loss!
    Reply
  96. Lindsey W says

    December 28, 2015 at 7:24 pm

    I'm heartbroken for you and for your husband and his family. My mother was diagnosed with cancer and passed within a matter of months and it was so fast I don't think any of us realized what was happening until it was over. I'm sorry this has happened and I'm sorry it happened at Christmas, a time of joy. I will keep your family in my prayers and if nothing else, your father-in-law spent Christmas with Christ this year. I hope that can bring you comfort. I always look forward to your blog posts although I never comment. Stay strong, and lean on each other.
    Reply
  97. Julia says

    December 28, 2015 at 7:59 pm

    I'm so very sorry to hear this. I know we don't know each other personally, but I have been a reader for a few years now, & in that time I feel like I have gotten to know you. My heart hurts for you & your family & I wish all of you comfort as time goes on.
    Reply
  98. Colleen says

    December 28, 2015 at 8:29 pm

    Hi Courtney, I have never commented on a post, however, have followed your blog for many years. There was no way I could not post and share my deepest condolences with you, Jay and your entire family during this difficult time. Do take the time to feel all the feelings and do hope that in time the memories shared can bring you comfort and solace.
    Reply
  99. Katie says

    December 28, 2015 at 9:01 pm

    Sending love and prayers to you and your family <3
    Reply
  100. Annette Perkins says

    December 28, 2015 at 9:12 pm

    I'm so sorry to hear your father-in-law passed away. That is so hard to have to say good-bye to him for awhile. Sending hugs & prayers to you, Jay & his family <3
    Reply
  101. Heather says

    December 28, 2015 at 9:16 pm

    I'm so deeply sorry for your loss and profoundly understand what you are going through. I lost my father very, very suddenly on Feb 19th of this year...while pregnant with my second son. My oldest son lost both of his grandpa's before his 1st birthday - one when we was 3 months old and one at 9 months. My youngest son will never meet them. Some days it hurts SO badly - especially when I see other families with kids who have all of their grandparents. Other days I feel SO blessed to have had 31 years with my father. He was an amazing man as it sounds Jay's dad was as well. There are no words that can make thing right. Only time will dull the pain. My deepest sympathies to you and your family during this time. Stick to what you know would be his final wishes. I have found healing and comfort in living how I know my father would want me to.
    Reply
  102. Shannon says

    December 28, 2015 at 11:34 pm

    I'm so sorry for your loss! My grandfather passed last year, around Halloween time. I can't imagine how hard it has been on you and your family, being so close to Christmas. You are all in my prayers! <3
    Reply
  103. Mary Burns says

    December 29, 2015 at 7:32 am

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Keeping you and your family in my prayers.
    Reply
  104. Jenn@Mark My Miles says

    December 29, 2015 at 8:37 am

    I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I am praying for you and your family.
    Reply
  105. raquel says

    December 29, 2015 at 9:44 am

    i'm so sorry for your loss, i had a pit in my stomach for you just reading your post. i hope that you and your family can find some peace knowing that so many people have you in their thoughts and prayers. i'm sure that your beautiful little boy will continue to help keep everyone's spirits up a bit.
    Reply
  106. April V says

    December 29, 2015 at 9:49 am

    As tears are flowing over here with a broken heart for your family, my prayers are going up.. I'm so sorry & I hope the strength of God can carry you through this New Year.. <3
    Reply
  107. Karenann says

    December 29, 2015 at 10:01 am

    So very sorry for the loss of your father-in-law. Please know that he, you and your entire family are in my heart and prayers.
    Reply
  108. Jessca W says

    December 29, 2015 at 10:06 am

    I'm so sorry for your loss! My grandmother passed right before our family Christmas and like your situation it happened REALLY fast. It also made it strange on Thanksgiving because we all missed her so much. Wonderfully, there is something so healing about babies and little children. I think having to take care of my 6 month old at the time really helped me cope and not dwell too much on the loss. I'm praying for you and your family. I don't think that one ever truly gets over the loss, just learns to live with it.
    Reply
  109. Karen Jasmin says

    December 29, 2015 at 12:18 pm

    I am so sorry for your family Courtney. You are all in my thoughts...
    Reply
  110. Nalu says

    December 29, 2015 at 12:24 pm

    I am truly sorry for your loss Courtney. My prayers and thoughts are with you, Jay and your family.
    Reply
  111. Kelly says

    December 29, 2015 at 12:38 pm

    There is nothing like a sweet child to distract us from hard things in life. I'm glad Lucas could help you guys smile on a day that was so difficult. So sorry for you loss...
    Reply
  112. Sarah says

    December 29, 2015 at 12:43 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family right now. You are a very strong person as well - it sounds like you are really holding things together for the family. Take this time to be with your family and that little smile on Lucas' face certainly can shine a little brightness during this hard time. Perhaps Jay's dad is kind of shining a bit through Lucas during this tough time :)
    Reply
  113. Kelsey Bjelland says

    December 29, 2015 at 1:58 pm

    Oh Courtney - I am so sorry for your family's loss. What an incredibly tragic and difficult time you must be going through. Please find comfort in our prayers and treasure the moments you have with family this season. Sending much love to you all!
    Reply
  114. Bethany says

    December 29, 2015 at 7:42 pm

    Thoughts and prayers are with ya'll!
    Reply
  115. Julie F says

    December 29, 2015 at 10:59 pm

    So sorry for your loss. Sending you loving thoughts. Please try to treasure the good times & memories.
    Reply
  116. karleen says

    December 30, 2015 at 1:10 am

    So sorry to hear about your loss....but Christmas is a special day so hopefully you can all get to point of seeing it as a special day. Your husband is incredibly supportive and inspiring. You both did such a great job of giving your son a wonderful Christmas. It must not have been easy. So sorry for the pain you're feeling. Hope and pray for healing for your and Jay's families.
    Reply
  117. Melinda says

    December 30, 2015 at 9:17 am

    So sorry for your loss. Thoughts to your family
    Reply
  118. Alyssa says

    December 30, 2015 at 9:33 am

    So very sorry for you loss! I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Cherish those beautiful memories you had with him and use them to help get you through this extremely difficult time.
    Reply
  119. Monica says

    December 30, 2015 at 12:55 pm

    I'm so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
    Reply
  120. Julie says

    December 30, 2015 at 2:01 pm

    I'm so sorry for your loss! And I agree - what lousy timing! :( Glad everyone perservered for Lucas & that his smile helped cheer everyone up a bit. I bet Grandpa was already looking down & smiling, too. My thoughts & prayers will be w/ you guys this week. For what it's worth I do think it helps tremendously to get back into your routine, but you need to do what feels right for you & your family. God bless!
    Reply
  121. Erin says

    December 30, 2015 at 4:30 pm

    My heart just breaks for your family....your strength to celebrate for Lucas and at the same time grieve sounds so difficult....hugs and prayers
    Reply
  122. Marie says

    December 30, 2015 at 5:09 pm

    I am so sorry for your family's loss! May God grant you healing through this time and may this new year bring nothing but blessings for you and your family!
    Reply
  123. Meredith Maguire says

    December 30, 2015 at 6:32 pm

    Courtney, I'm sorry for what you guys are going through. The same thing happened to us 2 Christmases ago with my fatherinlaw on Christmas day. It helped a little to think about how fitting it was that he passed on his favorite day of the year. And I'm not saying it gets easier for jay, you and your mother in law, but it gets more manageable as time goes by. God bless and have Lucas spend plenty if time with your mother in law, I think that us what helped mine the most.
    Reply
  124. Sunny says

    December 30, 2015 at 9:02 pm

    My condolences. Sending hugs and healing thoughts your way.
    Reply
  125. Christy says

    December 30, 2015 at 9:28 pm

    I'm so very sorry for your loss. Hopefully you can find some comfort in knowing Tom is no longer suffering and you all don't have to endure watching him suffer, I am sure that was hard for him. As you said in your recent post, lucas will be there to keep your spirits up, and it is truly amazing how they can brighten a tough day/time... I know my daughter has been a great comfort when we have been in similar situations. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers in the coming days.
    Reply
  126. Julie says

    December 31, 2015 at 9:54 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking about you and your family at this difficult time.
    Reply
  127. Rick says

    January 1, 2016 at 10:14 am

    My father past away 2 years ago from stage 4 cancer was given 6 months. His will to live was so strong that he was with us for over a year. Now he didn't pass away at Christmas time. I miss him so much as I know my children also miss him. The pain of grief does get better over time. Only to know that we will have to endure the pain of loss again in our lifetime. I lost my daughter when she was just 3 years old 22 years ago. Our family has grown but she missed so much as there is a big hole in the family tree. Thank you for sharing your story, Your family is truly blessed.
    Reply
  128. Autumn says

    January 2, 2016 at 11:29 pm

    I am so, so sorry for your loss. Hugs and prayers.
    Reply
  129. Ruthie Hart says

    January 3, 2016 at 2:15 pm

    Oh Courtney I am so sorry for the loss of your FIL... I know how close you guys are to Jay's family. I am praying that this new year brings you guys comfort and healing!
    Reply
  130. Arman says

    January 3, 2016 at 9:23 pm

    Condolences during this tough time. :)
    Reply

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Sweet Tooth Sweet Life
Court Profile CircleI'm Courtney, a 30-something wife and working mom living in upstate NY. I'm a food lover, fitness enthusiast, baker extraordinaire and lover of all things sweet.
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