Today, my first born turns 4 years old.
Some days, it seems like an eternity since we first brought him home…but most of the time, it feels like it was just yesterday.
And somehow, just within these past few weeks, something has really changed and Lucas now just seems so incredibly BIG.
No more chubby cheeks, or stumpy little legs (not those have been around for a while now…hello, picky eater!).
For whatever reason, I’ve found myself actually more emotional about this birthday than all of his others (even though I’m sure next year will be even worse). Four just seems…old to me. Like the start of a new beginning, or something?
And three? Well, three was BY FAR, the hardest year of parenting we’ve encountered thus far (because, you know, we’ve been at this parenting thing for so long now…#sarcasm).
Lucas tested more patience, pushed more buttons, and stretched more limits than I ever could have imagined. He can back talk with the best of ’em and is completely unphased by a timeout. And despite the fact that I’d always heard that “three was worse than two,” I never thought that three could really be THAT tough (just as everyone warned), because the two’s were really, really great for us.
But woahhhh, baby. Three was HARD.
In this past year, I’ve questioned my ability to parent more times than I can count. I’ve constantly wondered what the heck I’m doing wrong. I’ve been asked “WHY????” at least twenty million times (OMG). I’ve lost my temper and cried about the guilt I felt afterward. Jay and I have argued and disagreed over hundreds of different parenting ideas/situations/etc. (okay, maybe hundreds is a stretch, but it’s been a lot).
I ordered parenting book after parenting book. There were even times where I’d tossed around the idea of seeking out therapy because things would get to the point where I was just. out. of. options. and I felt hopeless. But then, it was pretty much like Lucas would just know when I had reached my tipping point because then, suddenly, we’d have a really great moment/day/week, and I’d start to feel again like just maybe, I was doing something right.
I never did wind up going to see a therapist, and while I’ll never say it’s completely off the table (I’m open to it), I do finally feel like we’re creeping our way back to the bright side. Most of the time.
Sure, three was hard. But oh my gosh, it was fun. And FUNNY. I’ll tell you…this kid has SUCH a personality.
And not only did I just love spending this past year getting to watch Lucas really grow, and learn, and explore…but I, too, feel like I grew just a bit more as a parent and a person.
I’ve learned a lot about this incredible little kiddo of mine, and I’ve learned a lot about myself. I know what he responds well to, and I know what can set him right off the edge (vice versa, he knows exactly what can set me right off the edge, too). I know that he gets “hangry” just like his mama and having snacks at pick up from daycare is crucial. I know that him and his daddy are so similar that they tend to butt heads. I know that, most of the time, a simple ask of “do you need a hug?” can typically pull him back from the ledge of a major meltdown. He is incredibly smart, inquisitive, and sensitive.
Lucas has taught me a lot. He’s taught me patience, and he’s taught me compassion. He’s helped me learn to try and understand just a little bit more about what could probably be going on inside that little brain of his when he’s having trouble and is frustrated (because if I think MY brain is moving a mile a minute, his must be triple that).
On top of all of that, Lucas has also indirectly taught me to be a less judgmental person; because even though I’d never want to admit it, I think we all end up judging something at some point or another, which we really have no right to. Even if we don’t realize it. But, ya know, we’ve all got our battles to deal with and we all have our ways of parenting, and let’s be real…I think we’re all still just in survival mode, trying to figure out HOW the heck to even parent in the first place. You read one thing from an “expert,” and before you know it, another “expert” is out there telling you the exact opposite.
But I’m putting all of that aside right now, because the truth is…my “baby” is now four and I can’t even stand it.
Gone are the signs of being a toddler of any sort (well, except his love for his teddy <3)…this kid is full out BOY. Before we know it, he’ll be off to kindergarten, then to college, and then walking down the isle (with who will hopefully be a wonderful daughter-in-law!) and good lord, I can’t even bring myself to think about that…
So while it saddens me to know that those baby and toddler years are behind us, I have a feeling that this year ahead of us (as well as the many more to come) is going to be filled with so much fun and adventure that it makes that sting go away just a little bit less. Plus, I’m still banking on the many people out there who have told me how much better things get at 4!
Motherhood has, obviously, left me an emotional sap (more so than I was before kids), but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love this kid (and his brother!) more than anything, and despite the fact that I feel like I’m still mentally recovering from this past year, I am just so freakin’ proud to call him my son.
Happy 4th Birthday, my sweet Lucas! <3
Jennifer says
Happy Birthday, Lucas (and mamma too!). I hope today is a special day.
We are right there with you in the throes of three – I also thought, “how bad could it be? Two was amazing!” Boy, was I wrong. But I love your outlook and honesty! Fingers crossed that four is less taxing and just as fun!!
montessoriishmom says
Happy Birthday Lucas! I can definitely see why 4 would be a tough birthday, kind of the end of toddlerhood and the beginning of childhood. I used to teach 3-6 year olds and it seemed like a lot of children became “reasonable” (relatively speaking) at 4-4 1/2, it is a great age!
Ashley says
Aww I loved this post! My “baby” boy is three and half and I totally said “hell yes” to everything you wrote. So nice to know we are not alone!! What a handsome set of boys you have.
Becky says
Thank you so much for sharing about how hard this year has been for you. My firstborn (a girl) is 3 1/2 and I feel exactly as you described feeling about Lucas. I question my parenting skills daily and often feel like Im failing and messing up my daughter irreversibly (even though she’s actually a great kid). It helped to read your post and be reminded that I’m not alone. Here’s hoping there is a light at the end of the tunnel for both of us!
Julie says
Happy Birthday Lucas! This is so sweet but also scares me. I was just saying how Two has to be the hardest age (my son turned two last week- and I think hit the terrible twos a few months early). I can’t possibly imagine three being more challenging than this!!! It’s a good thing they are so darn cute!!
Erin says
I’ve been reading your blog for years without ever commenting but this post compelled me to finally say something. I LOVE how honest and genuine you are here, it’s truly what sets you apart from other blogs like yours. I’m a toddler boy mom too and it helps sooo much to know that someone else going through the same struggles. Keep doing what you’re doing, and Happy Birthday Luke!! 😊
Donna says
DITTO TO THIS COMMENT.
I have been reading for many years and you are a top favorite. So honest and REAL. OMG HOW DID LUCAS GROW UP SO QUICKLY??? He is gorgeous! May 4years be your magic number and be full of love, happiness and joy to all of you!
Happy Birthday to Lucas!
Heather says
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this post! On top of being incredibly sweet, it was so real, and just what I wanted (i.e. NEEDED) to hear today. (Well. Apart from the fact that three was harder than two. My little Gavin turns three in September. Gulp). I am a teacher and home with him in the summers. I know I should be loving and cherishing these moments (and I do!), but I also often find myself checking the clock incessantly and counting the hours until bedtime. Sometimes I feel like going back to work is my actual vacation LOL! And then of course I feel guilty for feeling that way.
Please don’t lose your honesty and sincerity as a blogger. You really are awesome for reasons like this….you don’t just paint a picture of perfection like so many others. Thank you for that!
And Happy Birthday to Lucas!
Christen says
I think we’re all in the same boat when it comes to losing our patience and wondering if we’re just screwing things all up. I’m pretty sure thats the long-form job description of motherhood :)
Jen says
My sister has a four year old (going on 30..lol) three year old and a one year old. I often wonder how she does it. After reading this I can understand what my sister goes through. You can tell that you love your boys more than anything and you are not perfect and you are just trying the best you can and there’s nothing wrong with that. Never doubt yourself. Even though we do not know each other you are a great person and mother inside and out. Happy Birthday Lucas!!! Have a great one buddy!!!!
Kristie W. says
This is such a beautiful post! Your love radiates through your words. Happy Birthday, Lucas!
Lauren says
Love your honesty – it’s comforting to know others struggle too and these little kiddos know how to challenge us all! I’ve loved reading your blogs posts and following these last few years. Happy birthday to Lucas!!
Sue says
Happy Birthday Lucas. I hope you have a great and exciting day. Eat lots of cake for me!!!
Sue
Fiona says
Happy birthday buddy! Couldn’t have written it any better! i too am struggling with deciding what type of ‘parenting ‘ style I want to lead by and from asking a million friends it sounds as if it’s not a one size fits all, what might work for Lucas might not work for another kid so it’s hard to seek guidance when sometimes we are just surviving!
I think the biggest thing I’ve learned so far with our fresh 2 year old, is just when you think you have run out of patience (and some days I do) some times there is a little more there that saves a lot of guilt and anger afterwards! We all make mistakes and raise our voices and get mad, but heck we are ALL humans! You’re doing an amazing job, and those boys are lucky to have you!
Brigid says
Happy Birthday to Lucas! Totally agree that 3 is harder than 2! And, your feelings throughout this year are so normal! You will probably continue to question your parenting choices because I think we all do, as we want to do what is right for our children. Of course it’s important to remember that you are only human and you will lose your cool sometimes. People who say they don’t can’t possibly be honest about it.
My kids are teenagers now and I look back on the younger years and remember how much fun they were but I also see these years now as fun…in a different way. Give yourself a break and enjoy…which I know you do!
Emily R says
Happy 4th Birthday Lucas!
Oh Courtney, I’m still wiping up the tears from reading this beautiful post. I have said many time before, and I’m saying it again Lucas reminds me so much of son. He will be turning 4 in exactly one month and I having such a hard time with it. You said it all that turning 4 is much harder emotionally. Three was definitely a harder year (all the things you have mentioned) but at the end of it all, I keep reminding myself that these little people are still learning and will always bring out the best in us. They may be small and only 4 but great little teachers and vise versa for us!
Your a Great mom and Lucas is a Great Boy. He is a reflection of great parents and love all around.
Happy 4th Year little Man =0)
Katie says
We are in the middle of the 3s, and it is so refreshing to hear your take on it. Because…yes, yes, and yes! They are certainly tough. Happy Birthday to Lucas!
Kristin says
Thank you for sharing!
Olviya says
This is such a great honest look at motherhood. I love it! I have two boys-10 months, and almost 3-and agree that some days/months are just hard! You have a darling family Courtney! Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us
Erin says
Happy Birthday to Lucas and birth-day to you! Fantastic post, I was in tears. You are so right-on about everything 3-related. It’s been a year full of highs and lows! My little guy turns 4 in October and like you said, I’m both excited for what’s to come and I’m dreading it because MY BABY!! You really are doing a great job. Also, if you’re not listening, I think you’d like the comedy podcast about parenting, One Bad Mother. :)
Brittany says
Happy birthday Lucas! Reading this gives me hope. My oldest is 3 and it has been so tough. I’m constantly asking myself what am I doing wrong.
Melissa says
Happy Birthday to Lucas! I hope he has a wonderful day!
Katie @ Live Half Full says
Thank you for being so honest. You’re a great mom!
Marcie says
He’s just too cute!
Laura @ Laura Likes Design says
OMG I can’t believe he is already 4!! I’m a long-time reader and I remember when he was born! So crazy how time flies by!
Lindsay@theleangreenbean says
man, so much truth here. and i’m not even to 3 yet. kudos to you mama. you’re doing a great job.
Kerry says
Thank you for your honesty here. Three was so hard for me too (they don’t call it “threenager” for nothing) and a lot of people don’t talk about the struggles, so thank you for that. Four does get easier, promise! :) Happy Birthday Lucas!
Brittany V says
Happy Birthday to Lucas… goodness, that doesn’t seem possible… wasn’t I just reading pregnancy posts?
I’m not a mom, but I am a school psycholgist … and I’ve worked at the preschool level… there’s an awful lot of brain growth and changes from 3 to 4, and it sounds like you really are doing a great job of helping your boy (and yourself) navigate all that! Here’s to an amazing 4th year :)
Shaqueefa says
Happy birday Lucas!
meredith says
Not to stress yo, but our 3 was just like y’alls. And 4 has been a roller coaster (since june). Here’s hoping we’re just shaking out the last of the three-nager!