So my original plan for today’s post was to come and share some of the few, fun highlights I captured from our weekend.
Like watching Lucas at his pumpkin race on Friday afternoon and seeing him come in 2nd place for his grade.
Man, I am so, SO proud of this little dude!
Or starting Saturday morning off nice and early with some cold weather soccer.
And then following that up with some breakfast because we had just enough time to grab a bite to eat before Lucas’s game later in the morning.
The omelette, unfortunately, was a bit too greasy and salty for my liking, but the toast and home fries were LEGIT.
Jay and I also got out on Saturday evening for a bit to celebrate the birthday of our neighbor, Stef!
I got to thoroughly enjoy some Octoberfests while chatting with friends, which is always fun.
I also managed to make a solo trip to the mall on Sunday while Lucas was at a friend’s house, and I grabbed a few things from Old Navy, including this camo tee that was on sale for only $5.00(!).
My friends Tal and Ashley have been trying to get me to hop on board the camo train, so I think they were proud.
But I’m gonna be totally honest with you guys. I’ve been dealing with a little bout of anxiety the past couple of days and it’s hitting me hard.
Truth be told, I’ve come to realize over the past year that anxiety is something I’ve dealt with mildly since I was a child; it was mostly tied to separation, big changes, or fear of the unknown. I guess I just never really knew it, or could “label it” at the time. And it never was (or is) anything that became debilitating, or something I would deem even remotely close to “severe,” but who am I to try and label it at all? I know that there are others out there who suffer from anxiety far beyond anything I could ever fathom, but then again, there’s that whole “their (anxiety/grief/enter whatever you could compare here) is better/worse than my (anxiety/grief/enter whatever you could compare here)” and let’s agree that it all sucks, regardless.
Look, now I’m even getting anxious talking about…being anxious. The irony!
My anxious feelings have come and gone, but after having kids is when they really made their presence known. There have been times where I’ve shared things on the blog over the years when some of those feelings were more obvious, and I’d occasionally get the gentle push from readers who recognized it and recommended that maybe I go and talk to someone about it.
And I actually did. I started seeing a therapist at the beginning of 2019, and she was really great. But then I discovered she wasn’t covered by my insurance and I just didn’t have an extra $100 to shill out every other week, so I stopped going. I had a pretty easy-going summer, so I never bothered to try and look into finding someone else, but having the kids back in school has stirred some stuff back up again. So we’ll see what happens from here on out.
My mom always told me that you never stop worrying about your kids, no matter how big they are. And even though I’m only 6 years into the parenting gig, it’s not hard to see the truth in that. If I’m not worrying about their health, I’m worrying about their future, their well-being, or their happiness/sadness. Big worries, little worries…as parents, we’re always going to worry. Unfortunately for me, sometimes mine just take on a little too much of my mental capacity, and that pit in my stomach lingers around a whole lot longer than I’d like it to!
Now I’m thinking that it may have been wise for me to wait and talk about all of this during a time when I’m NOT feeling so anxious about something, buuuuttt apparently today is the day I feel compelled to talk about it, so here it is.
Hey, we’ve all got our crap that we deal with, right? Well, here’s hoping whatever yours is, is smooth sailing this week. ; )
I struggle with anxiety too. Have you tried yoga videos on youtube? Yoga with Adriene and Fightmaster Yoga have some great stress relief yoga videos. I also listen to the “Mindful in Minutes” meditation podcast. Her meditation for panic attacks is really helpful. I hope you find what helps you.
Oh Courtney. Seriously – living parallel lives here. I’ve also dealt with anxiety off and on and decided just this week to call my old therapist I have not seen in 6 years (who helped me with anxiety and depression over 2 pregnancy losses while I was pregnant for the 3rd time with my rainbow baby) and make an appointment for next week. I found out her fees have gone up and my insurance does not cover it, but I’m looking at it as an investment in me for the time being – it won’t be forever. Anyway, I am right there with you. I HATE the way that the anxiety makes me feel physically and it just needs to GO AWAY. Great post, thank you. You are doing a really great job.
Oh I’m so sorry. Life is hard. Trying to find balance and not worry about life is hard. I feel you. It would be nice to have a magic wand to wipe away things. Take a deep breath.
Sending lots of hugs your way. 🤗.
Thank you for sharing. I can totally relate to this, although my kids are tweens & teens. I recently started seeing a therapist for anxiety as well. The doctor that I wanted to see was not covered by my insurance. I reached out to her & she recommended several other doctors that were covered.
Thank you for sharing. I feel like I could have written this post myself. My son just turned 6 months but my anxiety seems to be growing quickly. I have been thinking about getting help but then I think, “well it’s not debilitating so I probably don’t need it.” Thank you so much for normalizing talking about these issues. You’re an amazing mom and I truly love reading about your life on the blog. I’m sending you well wishes. I hope you find what you need.
Courtney my anxiety journey sounds so similar to yours. It took a trusted friend and medical professional to say “Hm, this is bothering you, let’s do something about it.” I have never felt more like myself after i started on my medication and therapy plan. And some days are still hard, but now I can at least say “Hey, that’s my anxiety.” rather than obsess over it and wonder why i’m anxious. Thank you so much for sharing and I’m sending love to you. Also, Erin Bahadur (Erin’s inside job) has some great posts since she’s almost 10 months postpartum and is on her OCD/anxiety recognition journey as well.
Thank you so very much for being authentic and sharing. Lives appear to be perfect which can increase depression and anxiety. You are helping many people. Prayer for you.
Thanks for sharing and being so open about this. I’ve had anxiety my entire life and having kids definitely amplified it. Seeing my therapist tomorrow!
Once again why you are one of my favorite bloggers. THANK YOU for destigmatizing therapy and mental health concerns. I facilitate a moms mental health support group where we talk about these things and it is super helpful. Maybe there’s one around you! It sounds like you are good at identifying your triggers and you’re seeking support 💕 Best of luck to you!
Thank you so much for sharing Courtney. I have been dealing with this as well and it is so hard. I don’t have family around so that has made it harder not having support, but I have been trying to work through it. It’s so nice to hear from others who are going through the same things. Hugs to you!
Thank you for sharing. I have noticed that my anxiety has been more pronounced since having kids as well. I’m really glad to know I am not alone in this boat.
I remember my mom telling me the same thing (about the worry never stopping no matter how old your kids get) and that was discouraging to hear. Thanks for being honest and I think it’s great that you are being proactive about doing something about it BEFORE it becomes debilitating!
Anxiety is so hard. I deal with it too. My kids are 1 and 3 and I feel like a lot of it centers around their health, but I can also start to feel it spreading past that. I’ve been seeing a therapist for a while and I’ve come to see that the anxiety is tied to other stuff too, so there’s a lot to work on. Definitely try to find someone who takes your insurance! My ob/gyn recommended my current therapist, maybe try asking yours. They have a good pulse on this kind of thing!
I feel like I could’ve written this myself. I honestly didn’t realize the amount of anxiety I had and how that wasn’t normal. It has definitely gotten worse since having kids! I finally admitted that I needed help and I got on some medicine and feel so much better! I have had more times where anxiety could have wrecked me and overwhelmed me lately than before and I don’t have the anxiety. I think the notion of knowing I have to be on medicine to feel normal is a little overwhelming and scary in itself but I am so much better now and a better mom. Hope you get through this rough patch!
Hi Courtney, I never had anxiety until becoming pregnant and now it’s something I live with almost every day. Just know you are not alone in your feelings! This summer I weaned off anxiety medication that helped me immensely postpartum, but still felt (feel, depending on the day) “off.” I called my insurance company and they sent me a list of therapists within network, which is a MUCH more manageable co-pay. Might be worth giving a shot. Anxiety is so misunderstood…having an unbiased person to sit there and just listen and guide me through my thoughts is huge. On Wednesdays I go to therapy then have a pilates/sushi date with my cousin in the evening, I deemed it Self-care Wednesdays and it’s the best thing I’ve done for myself! Hope that you find something that works for you soon. xo
LOVE your honesty. I’ve been seeing a therapist since before Sully was born for disordered eating which then turned into seeing her for post partum depression and anxiety and now for infertility and multiple pregnancy losses. It can be so hard to navigate all our stuff on our own so kuddos for you for talking about it and reaching out to have someone help you through it! However you decide to work through it, on your blog, with a therapist know we are always here supporting you!!!
Thank you so much for being open about this! I struggle with anxiety and have learned a few ways to minimize it but its a constant struggle. regular workouts, adequate sleep and limiting alcohol and caffeine help but once I become anxious it is much harder to calm it down.
It is really brave and helpful to others to have you open up on your blog. We are all in this together. I hope your week gets better. Thanks for being my favorite blogger, anxiety and all :)
Hi Courtney! I have been reading your blog for a few years now (I started when you were pregnant with Alex and I was also pregnant with my 2nd child). I love your blog for many many reasons, but this is the number one reason I love this space. You are just downright honest, and you talk about things that many people are afraid to talk about. I have always been a stressful, high strung type A personality. I used to stress a lot in school about being perfect and getting good grades. And that has transferred over into motherhood as well. Ironically I wasn’t anxious at all when my 1st born (daughter) was born. But as soon as my second child (son) was born, I immediately felt a difference in how I felt. I never knew there was such thing as post-partum anxiety; I was only aware of post-partum depression. Well, I indeed had it, and I still suffer from anxiety. My anxiety mainly centers around germs and their health. I am overly paranoid about germs and them getting sick, and I constantly worry about it. When they do get sick, me and my best friend can of lysol go to town to clean everything. I went and saw someone too, and she actually prescribed me with medication. I have been taking it daily for the last 4 months or so, and I can tell it has helped. I might need to up my prescription level, but I can feel a difference. I still “freak” out when it comes to germ, but not nearly as bad as I used to. I feel you mama, and please know you are not alone. I can tell you are an amazing mama, and your kiddos seem to be happy little boys! So you are doing an amazing job. I hope you (and the rest of us) can figure out this anxious business, because I know it is no fun. Prayers your way and all the other people out there that deal with this on a daily basis. <3 Jillian
I love this post. I mean, I don’t love that you’re anxious, of course! But I think it’s something a lot of us struggle with, especially as mamas, but don’t know how to verbalize. I started to see someone last year after my dad died, and I still go today just because I enjoy it so much. But the more and more I talked to her, the more I realized that I really do struggle with some level of anxiety. Not full-blown anxiety attacks or anxiety that makes it hard to get out of bed, etc. But exactly what you’re talking about. Sometimes I worry about small things to the point where it’s all I think about. Or I think about “worst case scenarios” when it comes to my kids even though I know rationally that those things won’t happen. But I will say that what has helped me is to recognize what I’m doing when I’m doing it and to recognize that it’s a protection mechanism for me. If I think about the worst case scenario or if I think through every detail when it comes to a situation or my kids, then I’ll be ready if that thing actually happens! It’s my brains way of making sure I’m not caught off guard. So instead of getting down on myself for worrying, I try to accept what’s happening and then do something productive like verbalize my worries to a friend or my mom or my husband. Or if I’m focusing on a task or situation then I make a list. This helps especially before bedtime. Sometimes if I remember I jot down 3 things I’m worrying about and then 3 things that made me happy that day. The happy things usually end up lessening the fear surrounding the things that made me anxious, and putting things down on paper makes me feel like I got rid of it, even if it’s just temporary. Anyways, I am 100% rambling at this point :). But please know that you aren’t alone and that you’re a great mama. Your boys are lucky to have you!
I’m so glad you wrote this and feel it was very brave and courageous of you to do so. I think it is great you reached to a therapist and I’m so sorry to hear abou the cost. It really is very frustrating and unfortunate about the high costs of something so essential and helpful to many people. There may be other options that could be more affordable to look into, such as local support groups for women, or even pursuing virtual visits via an app or could be a covered benefit from your insurance plan. Wishing you healing and comforting, warm thoughts; I can surely relate to much what you voiced. Keeping you in my thoughts.
Your mental health is one if the most important things you need to care of right now for you and your family. I’m not trying to tell you how to prioritize your expenses but if going to a therapist is important for you and you noticed a difference from the sessions, then you should revisit your expenses and find that extra $50/week. Little purchases add up so maybe forgo your Dunkin’ trips and Old Navy visits to the mall. I know it’s fun seeing friends but maybe skip an outing or 2 so you’ll have the money for your therapist.
If you let your heart regret yesterday or worry about tomorrow, you won’t have today. Just let your mind relax and everything will be fine.