These past few days of 2015 have been tough.
When I look back on this year and reflect, I see heartbreak, but I also see a lot of good. We experienced more than one loss (three, in fact, with my 2 Nana’s, our miscarriage, and then most recently, my father in law, Tom) and each one still hurts in its own way. But as time passes, things do get a little easier, although one is still quite raw.
Today and tomorrow are going to be awful, and they are two days that I am most certainly not looking forward to. But we have each other to lean on, we have the love and support of so many of our friends and family, including all of you (which, honestly, I cannot even begin to thank you all enough), and we also have this little spitfire who has been an absolute lifesaver.
Life with a toddler is always interesting. Some days you’re ready to rip your hair out, while still wanting to love on them every single second. Other days, you just keep staring at them in amazement thinking, ‘how did we get so lucky?’ Thankfully for us, these past few days have been the latter.
Whether or not kiddos have a sixth sense, I do not know. But what I do know is that he has been exactly what we need, and has had us laughing and smiling as much as we possibly can this past week.
When I had to work from home on Monday, he was even my little assistant with his laptop. He wants to do everything just like mommy and daddy these days.
Including workouts. Which reminds me, I need to find some fake weights for him, since he keeps thinking he can take my 5 and 8-pounders.
While this past week has been tough, it’s also given the three of us more time together than we’ve had in a very long time. In the weeks and months leading up to my father in law’s passing, there were many nights each week where we really didn’t see much of each other. And that’s ok, because everyone went exactly where they needed to be. But our extra time as a family of three has not been taken for granted this week.
And not only our time as a family of three, but our time with the rest of our family and friends, too. My parents have been such an incredible help with being able to take Lucas when we’ve needed these past few weeks, and have been there for us with whatever we need. Our close friends have been checking in often, and we even had our friends (and old roommates) Kanika, Shaheen, and their daughter Kaura stop by Monday evening with a full dinner for all of us.
These two are just the cutest together.
I started writing this post not really knowing where it would take me, and I’m sure it probably doesn’t totally make sense, but I’m too preoccupied to go back and proofread. I guess as I come to a close though, I’m seeing more and more about just how fortunate we are to have the things that we DO have in our lives right now. It’s easy to focus on the negative, especially in these next couple of days, but taking the time to look at all of the positive really does help lessen the grieving just a bit.
At this point, I think I’m ready to put 2015 behind us and I’m looking forward to see what 2016 has to bring. I’ve recently felt a bit more driven this year than in years past to really sit and focus on the goals I have for myself and for our family, but once we’re able to finally take the time to lay them all out, I look forward to sharing them with you all.
As always, I want to thank all of you, my amazing readers, for your continued love and support. Not only in times of grief like now, but throughout the entire year. I wish you all a fabulous New Year, and hope you all have amazing things planned for 2016.
We’ll chat soon. <3
Sheena @ Paws and Pavement says
I’m glad that Lucas has been your bright light through this. My brother shares his name and he always makes me smile too! I did not have losses this year but I’m so ready to move onto 2016. Have a happy New Year!
Crystal N. says
I’ve been reading for awhile, but haven’t been a frequent commenter. Really wanted to say though, how sorry I am for the grief your family is experiencing, and especially during the holidays when things are supposed to feel so joyful. My thoughts are with you as you tackle these next couple of days and the days of rebuilding to follow.
Fiona MacDonald says
What a lovely gift it is to have had your father in law know Lucas and know that you were expecting and the love and stories you can share with your new little one about his/her amazing grandfather. It’s such a hard time especially around the holidays when we lose a loved one as it is a time meant to be filled with family and friends but just like you said you’ are surrounded by amazing people who want to lift you up (even from a computer) during your time of need. So hang in there, we are all thinking about you and sending you all the love and hugs the computer can send xo
Amy says
I always say if god brings us to it he will bring us through it. Thinking of you and your family during this time.
Linz @ Itz Linz says
Very well writte , Courtney. I can relate to the many (major!) downs of 2015 but William always reminds me how fortunate I am! While it’s easy to dwell on the negative, I try to stay positive and recognize all I do have. Best wishes to you for a healthy and very happy new year! xoxo
Kate says
I have been thinking about you and your family since your last post, Courtney. Not an easy road, but I’m glad to see you have family comforting you in this difficult period. Take care of yourself and know that you have friends here supporting you from afar.
Susie @ Suzlyfe says
Just want you to know you are in the thoughts and prayers of many of us. We found out yesterday that one of our beloved animals had to be put down just as my mom was flying out of the country. Please know that I am by no means comparing the loses, but I wanted to share that love and life comes in many forms—Lucas is buoying your spirits and keeping you moving, my mom is finding some solace in one of the horses down in Mexico. Look for pieces of your FIL in Lucas—I am not a big relibious person, but I do believe that we are sent angels. I hope this makes sense!
Catherine @ foodiecology says
I am still so deeply sorry for your loss. It just seems so unfair, but it’s beautiful to read what a blessing Lucas has been for you guys. I’ll be thinking of you and Jay. Wishing you comfort in your grief and many new joys in the new year.
Heather @Fit n Cookies says
Saying prayers for your family through this hard time <3 This was incredibly touching and beautifully written.
Suzanne says
I’m glad to see an update as I have been thinking of you and Jay during this time. Sadly, I understand all too much how hard this can be. Several years ago, we lost my 21 year old sister in law and just a couple of months later my dad who was only 58. Two years later tragedy struck again when my brother passed away at 34 years old. It was HARD but oh my goodness, having my kids made it so much easier to move on, to see the GOOD and JOY in life!! Yall will have some rough days ahead but just know you have many people thinking of you and including you in prayers!
Michelle says
So very sorry to hear about your father in law. My thoughts and prayers are with you all at this really hard time. Toddlers definitely have a 6th sense, they just know how to make their mamas smile.
Katie @ Live Half Full says
You seem so positive despite all the loss and that’s refreshing. Hang in there and cheers to a new year!
Taylor says
I ended last year with two extremely painful losses (our 4 year old dog and my grandma who helped raise me) that were very unexpected. Time has helped ease the pain, but I can still cry in a second just thinking of either of them. My heart aches for you guys. You have such an amazing attitude to be thinking about what you do have. May you all find healing and peace during this difficult time.
Julie says
Although I too have lost loved ones, I can’t imagine how difficult this time must be for you and your family. Continue seeking out the good and reflecting on life’s blessings, but know that it’s okay to be sad because sometimes this world can be so unfair. Sending big hugs and lots of prayers your way!
Melissa says
I’m sorry this was a year of loss for you. I’ve had those years too, but it usually means the year to follow is bettter. Praying for you today to get through the next few tough days!
Kelly says
Really encouraging to read your perspective on everything you’ve gone through, even for those of us who haven’t experienced the loss you have…
zoe says
Courtney-
I can’t even imagine what you guys are going through and I’m praying for all of you for strength and perspective during this difficult time.
Jess says
Thinking of you and your family at this time. I can relate to not feeling the Christmas cheer- my dad unexpectedly passed away this summer at the age of 55. My sisters, mother, and I felt we could not handle a traditional Christmas this year without him so we skipped the celebrating. A lot of people keep telling me that we will find our “new normal” but it just seems that life is so unfair. Your reflection is beautiful and I wish your family peace during a difficult time <3
Tiff says
Hugs! I’m glad Lucas has brought smiles your way.
Cathy says
Courtney, I am so sorry for you and your husband’s loss. I think it’d be hard to be a blogger who shares so much of your life, while the good is good, the hard maybe harder. Thank you for always sharing your heart.